First off, let me apologize for going MIA, yet again.. I feel like I've lost my mojo. I'm not sure where it went, or why, but it's gone. I blame it on a wire misfire in my brain, but that's another story for another day. This little ditty is something that I'm pretty passionate about.
It's about my hate-hate relationship with my computers. I vehemently hate both my personal computer and my work computer. I have a daily urge to pick up my laptop and SLAM IT INTO THE WALL AND WATCH IT SMASH INTO SMITHEREENS. Yeah. That's how strong my feelings are. All caps.
Anywho, where were we?
Right, anger management classes.
So here is a little conversation between my computers and I on a regular day.
ME: Good morning computer.
COMP: 5 more minutes, it's not time to wake up yet.
ME: What? No, the sun's been up for at least 4 hours, wake up please.
COMP: 5 more minutes.
ME: Wake the fuck up. I have work to do.
COMP: 5 more minutes..
ME: It's been 5 fucking minutes, now stop showing me the "Windows is Starting Up" screen and get your shit together.
COMP: Ughhhh... Fiiiinnneeee. Why you gots to be like that? I am tired. I am old. These legs aren't what they used to be. It takes time to get out of bed.
ME: What? You don't have legs. You don't have a bed, you -
COMP: I DON'T HAVE LEGS?! OR A BED?! Cannot compute. Cannot compute.
Me: This is not happening. You did not just freeze because you realized that you're a freaking computer. Hello?? Where are my programs? Why aren't you connecting to the internet??
COMP: Cannot compute. Too sad. Stop tapping my screen.
ME: I might have to throw you against the wall today. Today is going to be the day that you meet your maker.
COMP: Hewlett?? Packard?? Which one? Oooh please let it be Packard!
ME: My computer might be retarded. How did you pass the test? I'm going to have a stress ulcer.
COMP: Test..? Why are you drumming your fingers? What is that look in your eye? Is that.... pop? What is that soda doing hovering above my keyboard?
ME: Connect. To. The. Internet.
COMP: I surrender! Here! It's connected! Oh god I can't work under these conditions.
ME: Don't fucking freeze again! I haven't even opened up one single program you piece of shit. It's been 20 minutes since I turned you on.
COMP: 1. I am not a piece of shit. 2. I'm tired. 3. You do not turn me on at all.
ME: I'll replace you with a mac.
COMP: That is an empty threat, you and I both know that.
ME: Maybe instead of talking to me you should be starting up my programs, like I asked about 5 minutes ago. I have emails to respond to.
COMP: I'm lonely.
ME: I'll find you a good dating site.
COMP: Dude, I'm only 3, I'm too young for a dating site. You, on the other hand, aren't as plucky as you used to be.
ME: Just start up my browser. I have emails to respond to.
COMP: Touchy subject? I mean, you are talking to a computer after all. (Which, I am still trying to compute.)
ME: Shut your face. Wait, why is my page not responding?! I didn't do anything!!
COMP: You made a face joke. I don't appreciate your sense of humour.
ME: Swear to fucking god, you are about to see the white light.
COMP: BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH.
ME: ... at this time user is unavailable. User is currently seizing and may possibly have experienced an aneurysm.
COMP: Back to sleep for this computer.
This is the shit I have to deal with. Every morning. I have 2 of them too. Not just one. Two computers that drive me up the wall. They drive me to drink.
Showing posts with label things that make me angry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label things that make me angry. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
What Really Grinds MY Gears
I go through different phases of "hate-ons". If I were you, I wouldn't want to be hated-on by me. My family can attest to that.
The past couple of months there have been a couple of things that have developed into full pet peeves. I loathe thee. Steam comes out of my ears. My eyes bulge. Veins pop. And if I could, I would Hulk smash. (Oh man, I really wish I could Hulk smash..)
1. Dog shit. Hey guess what? DOGS SHIT. Every day. Shocker, I know. It's too bad there wasn't some way of picking up after your dog. Sorry, hold on a second, I'm getting some news from headquarters. You can use BAGS? No fucking way. This, folks, is a game changer.
Except it isn't. Not only will any old bag do, but they even have dog shit bags. And special dog shit bag holders to attach to your leash. So that you don't forget them when you take your dog out. What, you don't like picking up shit? Then why did you get a dog? It's like buying a plant and not watering it. Or having kids but not taking them out for walks.
I have walked by pile after pile of shit every single day. And when the snow melted I saw even more. Did ya think that the snow would hide it douchebags?
Here is what I hope. I hope that you step in it. I hope that you step in a dog's shit, and not only that, that the dog is bigger than yours. Maybe you'll be wearing white sneakers or new heels. I hope it ruins them. You, asshole, are an asshole.
2. Taxis that honk at you. I'm talking about as a pedestrian. Unless I know you, you have no reason to honk at me. Or maybe if I'm about to walk into traffic, then you can honk at me. But otherwise? You get grouped with all the other scumbags who honk at passersby. There's nothing more irksome than walking down the street and having some slime ball honk at you and cat call.
Sooo why are you taxi drivers honking at me? Oh, you think I didn't notice you? Maybe I need a cab? If I needed a cab, you would know. In case you're new to this, someone who would like a cab will do the following: raise arm, either all the way up in the air, or out at about a 45 degree angle; make eye contact with cab; whistle if one is so talented as to be able to loudly do so.
So, next time you honk at me, don't be shocked if you see a bird. (No, not THAT bird you perverts, the one that you flip!)
3. Actually, that's all I have for now. These 2 things really piss me off. So if you partake in either. Watch yo back. And your step.
Otherwise, carry on. I probably like you. And if you see someone leave their dog shit behind. Yell at them. Fling dog poo like the monkeys do.
Yes this post is full of broken sentences. Deal. With. It.
The past couple of months there have been a couple of things that have developed into full pet peeves. I loathe thee. Steam comes out of my ears. My eyes bulge. Veins pop. And if I could, I would Hulk smash. (Oh man, I really wish I could Hulk smash..)
1. Dog shit. Hey guess what? DOGS SHIT. Every day. Shocker, I know. It's too bad there wasn't some way of picking up after your dog. Sorry, hold on a second, I'm getting some news from headquarters. You can use BAGS? No fucking way. This, folks, is a game changer.
Except it isn't. Not only will any old bag do, but they even have dog shit bags. And special dog shit bag holders to attach to your leash. So that you don't forget them when you take your dog out. What, you don't like picking up shit? Then why did you get a dog? It's like buying a plant and not watering it. Or having kids but not taking them out for walks.
I have walked by pile after pile of shit every single day. And when the snow melted I saw even more. Did ya think that the snow would hide it douchebags?
Here is what I hope. I hope that you step in it. I hope that you step in a dog's shit, and not only that, that the dog is bigger than yours. Maybe you'll be wearing white sneakers or new heels. I hope it ruins them. You, asshole, are an asshole.
2. Taxis that honk at you. I'm talking about as a pedestrian. Unless I know you, you have no reason to honk at me. Or maybe if I'm about to walk into traffic, then you can honk at me. But otherwise? You get grouped with all the other scumbags who honk at passersby. There's nothing more irksome than walking down the street and having some slime ball honk at you and cat call.
Sooo why are you taxi drivers honking at me? Oh, you think I didn't notice you? Maybe I need a cab? If I needed a cab, you would know. In case you're new to this, someone who would like a cab will do the following: raise arm, either all the way up in the air, or out at about a 45 degree angle; make eye contact with cab; whistle if one is so talented as to be able to loudly do so.
So, next time you honk at me, don't be shocked if you see a bird. (No, not THAT bird you perverts, the one that you flip!)
3. Actually, that's all I have for now. These 2 things really piss me off. So if you partake in either. Watch yo back. And your step.
Otherwise, carry on. I probably like you. And if you see someone leave their dog shit behind. Yell at them. Fling dog poo like the monkeys do.
Yes this post is full of broken sentences. Deal. With. It.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Rabbit Stew
I have seen more Max and Ruby episodes than some parents have, and I don't have kids. At the kids' store that I manage, we have a pint sized couch and flat screen TV (read: best kids' store ever), and for a long time Max and Ruby was on loop. Then I found other DVDs and so now I cuddle up on the tiny couch and watch the original Winnie the Pooh. I mean... it's for the kids.
That's not even what this is about. This is about RUBY. That manipulative little bitch of a sister that Max has to deal with. Is this actually a show that parents allow their kids to watch? If you are unfamiliar with the show, let me sum it up for you.
"Maaaax, you're doing it wrong! Silly, you need to do it MY way."
"No Max, your job is to watch us play. That's way more fun than playing with us."
"Max, you can do what you want to do after we do everything that I want to do, and even then, we won't do what you want to do."
"See Max? This is the right way to it. Your way is wrong, you see that now, right?! Right?!"
"Max why aren't you massaging my bunions?"
"Max, Max? Where are you? Why are you hiding from me?"
"What's that behind your back Max? Is that a knife?"
"Oh you're going to cut me a slice of cake! How sweet, but I'm going to eat the whole cake. You won't like it."
Max glares at sister, sees red and murderous rage ensues.
Ok, so maybe I exaggerated a bit, but you get the point, right? Right?
I would cut a bitch if that was my sister. Then I would make rabbit stew.
But really, this is the type of kids' shows that's out there these days? Creating "healthy" sibling rivalry? If that show was out when I was a kid I'm pretty sure my brother would have looked at me, then Ruby, then me.. then strangled me in my sleep. Seriously.
What ever happened to quality shows like Bugs Bunny and The Muppets and Fraggle Rock and Mr. Dressup? Don't even get me started on "In the Night Garden", or whatever it's called. That show gives me the heebie jeebies. There is something not right with that program. Every night at 7:30 pm, toddlers everywhere zone into this weird show that would make oompa loompas look trustworthy. See? I can't even mention it without getting my "panties" in a bunch.
I really need to do some psychotherapy where I draw out my feelings...
"And why do you feel that you have these angry thoughts against a fictional rabbit?"
"Flopsy."
That's not even what this is about. This is about RUBY. That manipulative little bitch of a sister that Max has to deal with. Is this actually a show that parents allow their kids to watch? If you are unfamiliar with the show, let me sum it up for you.
"Maaaax, you're doing it wrong! Silly, you need to do it MY way."
"No Max, your job is to watch us play. That's way more fun than playing with us."
"Max, you can do what you want to do after we do everything that I want to do, and even then, we won't do what you want to do."
"See Max? This is the right way to it. Your way is wrong, you see that now, right?! Right?!"
"Max why aren't you massaging my bunions?"
"Max, Max? Where are you? Why are you hiding from me?"
"What's that behind your back Max? Is that a knife?"
"Oh you're going to cut me a slice of cake! How sweet, but I'm going to eat the whole cake. You won't like it."
Max glares at sister, sees red and murderous rage ensues.
Ok, so maybe I exaggerated a bit, but you get the point, right? Right?
I would cut a bitch if that was my sister. Then I would make rabbit stew.
But really, this is the type of kids' shows that's out there these days? Creating "healthy" sibling rivalry? If that show was out when I was a kid I'm pretty sure my brother would have looked at me, then Ruby, then me.. then strangled me in my sleep. Seriously.
What ever happened to quality shows like Bugs Bunny and The Muppets and Fraggle Rock and Mr. Dressup? Don't even get me started on "In the Night Garden", or whatever it's called. That show gives me the heebie jeebies. There is something not right with that program. Every night at 7:30 pm, toddlers everywhere zone into this weird show that would make oompa loompas look trustworthy. See? I can't even mention it without getting my "panties" in a bunch.
I really need to do some psychotherapy where I draw out my feelings...
"And why do you feel that you have these angry thoughts against a fictional rabbit?"
"Flopsy."
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