Semi-Sober: A Journey to Adulthood

Since I started drinking, I've had a problem knowing when to stop. There's been a couple of years (more specifically the summers of 2003 and 2007, especially 2007) where I was a heavy partier. It's gone up and down throughout the years, but I vary from being a bit of a hermit to an out-at-all-hours party girl. I'm good at extremes.

Recently, I've realized that I've designated myself as the "fun girl". I don't know if other people share this same notion of me, it's completely all in my head. I realized this in the car yesterday. That's how recent this actualization was. I'll spare you the manic train of thoughts that led me to that AHA moment. Anywho, being this fun girl, well a lot of the time it involved Drunk Alex, and I would let loose another part of myself. She laughs, she dances, she's bold and she falls. I'm also like that when I'm sober, but to a lesser degree. I still fall. Trying to be a fun girl is exhausting; I rarely said no to going out, was always up for more, more, more. Was I genuinely having fun? Most of the time, yes, I was. I was having a blast. 

But then it went from being funny to being reckless. My shenanigans stopped being cute. My hangovers became more of a nuisance because I actually had plans the next day. I'm not in my early twenties anymore and 30 is staring at me like, "buddy, get your shit together before you hit a wall." And I've hit many, many a wall. 

I'm sure many of you have had one too many drinks, forgotten to say to yourselves, "hold on, this tequila shot will probably result in my singing to the porcelain gods, no thanks." And it's not that I only binge drink. I don't. I can easily have 1 drink, or none, but more and more when I've gone out on weekends I've gone hard. Too hard. I skinned my bloody knees recently. Or rather, skinned them bloody. My friend's mom pointed out that I should have stopped skinning my knees when I was six. (At first I thought she said that I should only be skinning my knees during sex, and I was pretty shocked.)

I'm still nursing that one knee back to health.

Staring at all my reckless behaviour and stupidity over the past couple of years, rather than laughing it off as I've done, I realized that I need to change something. Anybody remember that scene from Sex and the City where Carrie's friend is still partying hard in her late 30s and falls out a window and dies? Yeah, I don't want to be her. (Also her name in the show is Lexi and yeah, I was all shit, son!) 

So here begins my 4 month journey of semi-sober. I put some guidelines down so that I couldn't cheat, especially because I have no self-control. I have only allotted 4 occasions, 1 per month, that I am allowed to drink, and only 2 drinks those nights. I could have allowed myself to drink a glass of wine or beer at dinner, but I think this will be a good test of character, will and self-discovery for me to go semi-sober. Why allow the 1 night each month then? Well it started because I have some big events coming up, such as my birthday and my friend's wedding, and because I think that it is way more likely that I will succeed if I make it realistic for myself. It's also a good test. Can I only drink 2 on my birthday when people want to buy me drinks? I 100% know that I can, and it will be cheaper for everybody. Win-win. Another reason why is because I can be a bit of an extremist, and that it never a good idea. This is in the middle, and it feels good.

With all this money that I'll have saved, I'm definitely buying myself a pony.

How to Stay Single

First off, where did I go? It started off that I was going through some shit that I didn't want to write about, and then I lost my motivation to write. I went "blah". I had a few post ideas, but didn't feel they were publishable. Basically I went into my little closet and shut the door. Anyway, here's something that came to me the other day.

I've always been aware of the fact that I'm very single. But I have a horrible sense of time passing. So the other day when I realized that I've been single for 3 1/2 years, I was slightly shocked. It was an "oh....." moment (not to be confused with an "aha moment").

I'm sometimes asked, "How are you still single?" - in a flattering way. But those who know me best, know why. They're the ones that say "THAT'S how you're still single". They're the ones that politely suggest that maybe I should lower my standards. (Never!)

So here's a list. Well, my list. If you'd like to stay single, follow the list. And the white rabbit.

• Be strong-minded
• Be bold
• Be sarcastic
• Be disgusting
• Be crass
• Sit with your legs open
• Be witty
• Know your shit
• Pick your nose
• Tell really bad jokes and/or stories
• Become a Flames fan (I believe this is directly related, most men have no taste in hockey)
• Cry spontaneously, in front of a guy
• Have a big mouth - WITH WORDS people, with words
• Snort when you laugh, and laugh really loud
• Lean over when you fart
• Be suspicious of any male that talks to you
• And if he shows signs of flirting, raise your hackles
• Win at flip cup
• Start a clown collection (I haven't.. yet)
• Start a cat collection (of live cats..) (also something I haven't done yet) (live or stuffed)
• Be loud

Don't worry, you can have a backup plan. Mine is to move in with my home girl, and get the sperm of our gay friends. True story. At her birthday the other night I was talking to a young fellow, very good looking, unfortunately I'm not his type, unless I grow a penis... Anywho, after marvelling at his good looks and his smarts, here is how I introduced myself  "Hi my name is Alex, you might be my sperm donor one day". He agreed. Score! Oh, and we're going to use the sperm for artificial insemination. Not anything weird like face cream or anything.

Also, side note, there are only 35 sperm donors left in Canada. CRAZY right? Side side note, in a "Baby Animals" book that my little 2 year old cousin was looking at, I pointed to the tadpoles and said, "Look! Sperm!". Ya gotta teach the kids young these days. Or confuse them young.

Soo I hope you enjoyed my little ditty. I apologize again for being MIA.. I'll try to write more than once a month (and a half)... 

You should also take pictures like this...

I forgot to name this one.. my bad

In case I haven't over shared with some of you yet... here is me from A to Z! (And if you're Canadian, that rhymed). I stole this from Jen O. from My Tornado Alley. She is also Canadian. And ridiculously awesome.

A. Age: 25 and 3/4
B. Bed size: Double. If a queen could fit in my bedroom, and I could afford it, I'd get one. Because I think even then I could take up the entire bed.
C. Chore you dislike: Dishes. Actually, I dislike most chores. But especially dishes.
D. Dogs: I love them. I've had a couple of big dogs and would love to get a small-medium size dog. Nothing that could fit in my pocket or that I could roll over and kill though. (It's a deal breaker for me)
E. Essential start to your day: Coffee coffee coffee. It's all I think about until I get one.
F. Favorite color: I think it's teal, but maybe I just think that because I used to like it. More likely, it's grey. Ohh, I think that maybe it could be a bluey grey.
G. Gold or silver: Silver, but I wear some gold, and also love brass.
H. Height: 5'5". I seem taller though don't I?
I. Instruments you play(ED): You will love this: Keyboard, recorder, ukelele and hand bells (yes, really). I think I still have the uke.
J. Job title: Brand manager. Baby wrangler on occasion.
K. Kids: I'd like to think that I'm not a kid anymore, but I do revert back to when I was 10 sometimes. Oh, do I have any? No.
L. Live: Toronto. If you couldn't already tell by my blog image.
M. Mom’s name: So many mom jokes, so little time.
N. Nicknames: Alex, fow, LF, Lex, Lexington, Lex Luther, Lexi, Zandra, Sweets. To name a few.
O. Overnight hospital stays: Less than 5 I think. I was in the hospital a few times as a kid, but haven't stayed overnight since then.
P. Pet peeves: Read post below.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Who wants a mustache ride?"
R. Righty or Lefty: Lefty! What whaat.
S. Siblings: A younger brother. I can't say little brother because he's been taller than me for more than half my life. I also have friends/family that are like sisters to me. But he is the only one that came out of the same va-jay-jay. :)

Look how tall and handsome my brother is!

T. Time you wake up: 9am. Bitches. I would prefer an 11 am wake up though. I don't do mornings.
U. Underwear: Thank you for not using the "P" word. Yes, I wear them. Every day.
V. Vegetables you don’t like: Zucchini. Or is that a "fruit"? Brussel sprouts.
W. What makes you run late: I do. My lack of organization.. And my mom.
X. X-rays you’ve had: Chest, skull, back - that I can remember.
Y. Yummy food you make: 5 layer nacho dip. And oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. That's it.
Z. Zoo Animal Favourites: The lions. RAWR. Pretty much anything furry actually. Especially polar bears. I did a project on one named Snowball one time. He died. I was sad.

TA DA!