How to Stay Single

First off, where did I go? It started off that I was going through some shit that I didn't want to write about, and then I lost my motivation to write. I went "blah". I had a few post ideas, but didn't feel they were publishable. Basically I went into my little closet and shut the door. Anyway, here's something that came to me the other day.

I've always been aware of the fact that I'm very single. But I have a horrible sense of time passing. So the other day when I realized that I've been single for 3 1/2 years, I was slightly shocked. It was an "oh....." moment (not to be confused with an "aha moment").

I'm sometimes asked, "How are you still single?" - in a flattering way. But those who know me best, know why. They're the ones that say "THAT'S how you're still single". They're the ones that politely suggest that maybe I should lower my standards. (Never!)

So here's a list. Well, my list. If you'd like to stay single, follow the list. And the white rabbit.

• Be strong-minded
• Be bold
• Be sarcastic
• Be disgusting
• Be crass
• Sit with your legs open
• Be witty
• Know your shit
• Pick your nose
• Tell really bad jokes and/or stories
• Become a Flames fan (I believe this is directly related, most men have no taste in hockey)
• Cry spontaneously, in front of a guy
• Have a big mouth - WITH WORDS people, with words
• Snort when you laugh, and laugh really loud
• Lean over when you fart
• Be suspicious of any male that talks to you
• And if he shows signs of flirting, raise your hackles
• Win at flip cup
• Start a clown collection (I haven't.. yet)
• Start a cat collection (of live cats..) (also something I haven't done yet) (live or stuffed)
• Be loud

Don't worry, you can have a backup plan. Mine is to move in with my home girl, and get the sperm of our gay friends. True story. At her birthday the other night I was talking to a young fellow, very good looking, unfortunately I'm not his type, unless I grow a penis... Anywho, after marvelling at his good looks and his smarts, here is how I introduced myself  "Hi my name is Alex, you might be my sperm donor one day". He agreed. Score! Oh, and we're going to use the sperm for artificial insemination. Not anything weird like face cream or anything.

Also, side note, there are only 35 sperm donors left in Canada. CRAZY right? Side side note, in a "Baby Animals" book that my little 2 year old cousin was looking at, I pointed to the tadpoles and said, "Look! Sperm!". Ya gotta teach the kids young these days. Or confuse them young.

Soo I hope you enjoyed my little ditty. I apologize again for being MIA.. I'll try to write more than once a month (and a half)... 

You should also take pictures like this...

Men.. Can't Ever Win Anymore

To the men, I'm sure they're all throwing their arms up in the air right now and shouting "I KNOW!" Sorry boys, but this whole equality thing means lose-lose for you.

There are moments when I get really frustrated with the lack of chivalry in today's society. More often than not, doors are not opened for me. I can count the number of times on one hand that my chair has been pulled out for me. My last foot rub?  High school.

I was once seeing a guy who was very chivalrous. I was so shocked and blown away that I didn't know how to handle it. He insisted on opening doors for me, went to my side of the car first to open the car door, and shut it. (No, mom, you never met him. I'm sorry, yes, he was very nice, but you have to know I would have scared him off eventually.) Had we ever gone out to dinner, I'm sure he would have pulled out my chair for me. I thought it was an act at first, but then realized that it was genuine. Clearly he had a good mama that raised him right! Then he said that I didn't act very lady-like, and that I had a trucker mouth, and could I please not use such foul language? And that was the end of that.

So clearly, having a guy who is eager to please, always at your beck and call, the type of guy you'd love to bring home to the parents.. well we're just not into him either.

Then there's the other side of things. I can build my own furniture, shovel the driveway, kill spiders, do the heavy lifting, and even take myself out for dinner. And I know that it's partly the "tough guy" in me. For example, I'm not one to ask for help when carrying something heavy. In fact, I love carrying heavy items just to show off my muscles ([mus][kles]). They're huge... I never outgrew the "I can do it myself!" phase. And I'm sure you know where I stand on sex. Sorry parentals if you're reading.

I don't need a man to support me financially, I was raised to be independent. I was brought up to shatter glass ceilings. But does that mean that I should pay for all meals out? Or not get spoiled? (Hypothetically of course..) Just because women are now making as much money as men, doesn't mean that they don't want to be wined and dined. I feel as if in the process of women gaining more power, more control over their own lives, and being able to have a say in society, we forgot to demand respect as well. Or maybe that's the problem, we demanded. Apparently men aren't huge fans of "being told". Clearly while training them we need to be more discreet about it.

Source

So, men, you can't:

• Be too nice
• Be an asshole
• Offer your help
• Not offer your help
• Be the little spoon
• Not spoon at all
• Offer to carry her purse
• Not offer to carry her groceries
• Be her bitch
• Call her a bitch
• Call all the time
• Not call at all
• And the list goes on..

For more sage advice, you can always email this single gal who hasn't been in a relationship in.. well a really long time.

I made you some edible panties

First off, the word "panties" makes me uncomfortable. I managed a lingerie store for a year and even that didn't make me feel comfortable using the word. I prefer underwear, underroos, tighty whiteys, anything but panties.

Now, onto the good stuff: Valentine's Day. We all know it's a scam, but I'm pretty sure it's not going anywhere. Just like those princes in Namibia with my inheritance. Yes, V-day is retarded. But maybe it's because it's our own fault. I'm single, so I don't have the problem of being disappointed on V-day. But quietly expecting for fireworks and romance from your significant other is going to disappoint you. Seriously. Nobody's a mind reader (except for magicians) and you should have figured that out over Christmas (or Hannukah or whatever) when you got something from the Body Shop.

And if Valentine's Day was successful with more couples, I'd have more friends with late November birthdays.

I'm not saying I've had great V-days. My first Valentine's in a relationship, I came face to face with homemade edible panties. I'm all about DIYs.. but umm.. edible panties? I was 16, my first relationship and in love, and freaking out over these sticky candy "panties" made of fruit roll ups and licorice and other assorted goodies. Would I pretty please wear them? Hells no. Candy is for eating and no detours on the way to my belly. Now I see that it was super sweet and creative, but at 16, I did not appreciate them. I hope he still does DIYs for his girlfriends, just maybe not edible undies.

My last Valentine's in a relationship started off ok. The boyfriend made dinner, but I was extremely sick and left halfway through to go to the clinic. He didn't come with me, instead I later found out that he messaged a girl (stupid dirty fucking bitch) to complain about how I didn't appreciate his dinner. :)

I don't hate Valentine's Day, probably because I don't hate being single and I love the candy. And because February 15th means SALE CANDY! And more specifically, SALE CINNAMON HEARTS!! I literally eat them by the pound. I will be at Shoppers bright and early to get my hands on some of that sale candy.

Get in my belly

As an aside, I need to tell you all a joke that my brother said over dinner last time I was home. Here's how it all went down:

Me: Why is there an extra 'r' in February? And why isn't there also an extra 'r' in January? It should be Janruary.
Brother: It's Febrrrrrrruary because it's cold. Brrrr

That was my most favourite lame joke ever told. He normally has good one liners, which made the groaner that much better. Had to be there. Had to be there.

Awesomely Awful (and my love life)

Since I moved a little over 2 years ago, I have to admit that I haven't really dated. I dipped my toe in the water only to find the water was freezing and full of weeds. I hate weeds. I got caught in them when I was swimming across a lake when I was a kid and even though I had a tube or some other flotation device, having your leg caught by a gross weed is fucking terrifying.

Where was I? Oh yes, dating. Some of my friends love dating, even if they have horrible dates, they still go out, time and again. Me, I'm not so keen on a bad date, I'd rather just skip it. That and living in a big pond has made it harder to meet cool people. I might get ronery every once in awhile, and I know that I should be thinking about finding a mate (says my mom), but I'm cool with being single. As the CREEEEPY Rogers guy who fixed my cable yesterday said as he sat beside me on my couch and looked around my apartment "it must be nice living alone, you can do whatever you want and nobody will bug you". Yes creepy Rogers man, it is nice. I might get a dog or cat to cuddle with at night though.

Anyway, I really got sidetracked there. What I wanted to tell you about was this guy, his name is Awesome. Really. He is another reason why I hide in my basement apartment. The ONE AND ONLY time I drunkenly gave a guy my number, this is what happened. 3 voice mails later. Before I got the chance to give him a call back I had 3 voice messages from him. For other women out there who've felt nervous about a random guy, I'm sure you'll see how his extreme enthusiasm was a little unsettling. Although he did seem like a nice bloke, it was unnerving to see this behaviour escalate to the level of stalker mentality - it's scary out there, especially since I was only 22 at the time! Enjoy my friends, hopefully you'll like it as much as my dad did. He is Awesome's biggest fan. Fact.

UPDATE: I've actually decided to take the voicemail down because someone via reddit is pretending to be AWESOME (not Asim, trust me people, that's how he spelled it) and create a sob story. Unfortunately (and fortunately for me) he got some important details wrong and I was able to pretty quickly assess that it was some asshole trying to get attention by making up a story.