I made you some edible panties

First off, the word "panties" makes me uncomfortable. I managed a lingerie store for a year and even that didn't make me feel comfortable using the word. I prefer underwear, underroos, tighty whiteys, anything but panties.

Now, onto the good stuff: Valentine's Day. We all know it's a scam, but I'm pretty sure it's not going anywhere. Just like those princes in Namibia with my inheritance. Yes, V-day is retarded. But maybe it's because it's our own fault. I'm single, so I don't have the problem of being disappointed on V-day. But quietly expecting for fireworks and romance from your significant other is going to disappoint you. Seriously. Nobody's a mind reader (except for magicians) and you should have figured that out over Christmas (or Hannukah or whatever) when you got something from the Body Shop.

And if Valentine's Day was successful with more couples, I'd have more friends with late November birthdays.

I'm not saying I've had great V-days. My first Valentine's in a relationship, I came face to face with homemade edible panties. I'm all about DIYs.. but umm.. edible panties? I was 16, my first relationship and in love, and freaking out over these sticky candy "panties" made of fruit roll ups and licorice and other assorted goodies. Would I pretty please wear them? Hells no. Candy is for eating and no detours on the way to my belly. Now I see that it was super sweet and creative, but at 16, I did not appreciate them. I hope he still does DIYs for his girlfriends, just maybe not edible undies.

My last Valentine's in a relationship started off ok. The boyfriend made dinner, but I was extremely sick and left halfway through to go to the clinic. He didn't come with me, instead I later found out that he messaged a girl (stupid dirty fucking bitch) to complain about how I didn't appreciate his dinner. :)

I don't hate Valentine's Day, probably because I don't hate being single and I love the candy. And because February 15th means SALE CANDY! And more specifically, SALE CINNAMON HEARTS!! I literally eat them by the pound. I will be at Shoppers bright and early to get my hands on some of that sale candy.

Get in my belly

As an aside, I need to tell you all a joke that my brother said over dinner last time I was home. Here's how it all went down:

Me: Why is there an extra 'r' in February? And why isn't there also an extra 'r' in January? It should be Janruary.
Brother: It's Febrrrrrrruary because it's cold. Brrrr

That was my most favourite lame joke ever told. He normally has good one liners, which made the groaner that much better. Had to be there. Had to be there.

A family that farts together..

Ya I did. I put the f-word in the title of this post. A family that farts together stays together. What was the original saying? I like this one better. Every family has its quirks, and mine has some pretty funny ones. Here is an excerpt of a conversation one Sunday evening a few weeks ago. I would like to mention first that it was over Skype as I live in TO and they don't.
Daughter (me) [flips camera around to show inside of nose]: Do I have any boogers?
Parents: You're disgusting.
Daughter [adjusts camera to better see inside nose, wiggles nose around to make angle more interesting]: Well any nose hairs that need to be trimmed?
Parents: Nice, real nice.
[Mom walks out of room, possibly to trim own nose hairs. Daughter gets bored of showing inside of nose and that family is not more disgusted by it.]
Conversation continues between daughter and dad. Background conversation between mom and brother can be heard.
Mom: ... you fart too much!
Brother [pffffft]
Mom: You fart and you fart and you fart!
Brother [pffffft]
Mom: I think you deposited something with that last one! It's your food!
Brother: Then it's your cooking!
(Or something along those lines with the last one.. I'm sure brother will correct me.)
I gots the toots, you gots the toots, we all gots the toots.
Why isn't there a song about tooting? I think that should be Biebs' next song. Then I'd start listening to his music.

This is a picture of a slow loris. (Thanks primates.com) It exists. While my brother was living with me last summer I came across this image and decided that it looked like him. They have the same brown eyes. Heck yes there's an animal called a slow loris. Heck yes I like weird animals.

My family in a nutshell

This past weekend I went home to visit my family and some friends, and there was a moment on Sunday night where I thought "this is my family in a nutshell". My brother once said "our family puts the dis in dysfunctional", and do we ever! We're all fairly sarcastic and normally choose one person to pick on, most of the time it's my mom. We're like vultures, circling and choosing the one who says the wrong thing.

So Sunday evening we sit down in the living room after dinner and the last few minutes of "The Amazing Race" are on. It's not my type of show, but I can see how people like it. My mom says that my brother and I should go on the show(!!). My brother, not skipping a beat, says in reply, "Yeah, she'd end up with her head on a pike and a trench coat around it. They'd ask "Are you sure that's your sister?" and I'd shake her head yes, I'm sure." Morbid, right? It was pretty funny, but then my mom starts howling (or cackling) and says that she can just see my brother trying to maneouver my mouth to make me talk and starts getting into detail about my body-less head. Seriously, it was disturbing. These visions of my bloody head on a pike with a trench coat and my brother trying to convince people it really was me were running through my MOTHER'S head and she found it absolutely hilarious. She's sick and twisted, and that's where my sense of humour comes from. Personally I thought that my brother and I would make a great team, even if I didn't make it out alive. And that's my fam in a nutshell.

And my family thinks I'M the weird one. Ya, ok.