You think YOUR dreams are weird?

I've always had very vivid dreams. If I have a nightmare, it's normally recurring and I feel ill the next day. I often go back to the same houses in my dreams, and story lines will pick up where they left off. They rarely make any sense whatsoever. Some of my recurring dreams/nightmares as a kid were:

- tigers chasing me through the jungle. This is the first nightmare that I remember having, and just the beginning of my running dreams
- a giant trying to find me in my house. I could NEVER hide well enough, he would always be able to see me through one of my windows. I was always afraid of robbers (and aliens, but that's another story) coming into the house and that's probably where this nightmare stemmed from.
- using my arms to fly. I loved this one. In a lot of my dreams I can still "fly" or float. I would just flap my arms and I could soar at first over small objects, then over trees and then I was high in the sky. Because I can never run fast enough in my dreams, flying comes in handy.
- dinosaurs. I would like to thank Jurassic Park for this one. I was 8 when this movie came out and was both terrified and fascinated by it. I don't think I minded the leaf eaters, it was more when T-Rex came on the scene that shit hit the fan. And because I don't think I had discovered flying yet and couldn't run fast or drive, it was pretty scary. Don't laugh.
- as I got older my dreams became more vivid; now if I have a nightmare I won't ever ever EVER forget it. I still remember the first time I died and the first time I shot a gun. Fucked, huh?

So the other night I have a dream that I lost both of my feet. I can't remember exactly how, but I think it was my fault. I blame this happening because I just finished Aron Ralston's book 127 Hours: Between a Rock and a Hard Place. He has to cut off his own hand after being trapped under a boulder for 6 days. So throughout all of my dreams that night, I had no feet. I was using those arm crutches/canes and regular crutches to get everywhere. Man, was it ever slow. Then this doctor told me he could make me new feet and I was all excited because I have always wanted to be a size 7 shoe. Seriously. I'm an 8 1/2... ok, 9 sometimes.. and believe that shoes always look better in a size 7. Sigh. Oh, and then in my dream I found out where my high school ex lived and he made me this amazing dinner of shrimp and strawberries (really?!) and then the house turned into somewhere else and a microphone wire was trying to go down my throat. I'll end it there because it just gets weirder after the microphone wire incident.

Yeah, you thought your dreams were weird? Y'all got nothing on my dreams.

T-Rex

Donating My Body to Science

I've never been a huge fan of doctors. Mostly because whenever I've gone to see one, they haven't been able to figure out what's wrong.

Let's go back about 6 years ago to when I was having some serious stomach issues. I'd seen a few doctors and finally went to talk to a gastroenterologist. I had to get a barium test done. If any of you have had one of these, grimace with me. I had to drink a litre of "strawberry" flavoured chalky barium, then some other mixture to keep air bubbles from forming. This barium had to work its way through my body and light up all my organs, so I was chalk full (get it?? chock.. chalk..) of liquid in a sweet hospital gown for a few hours. In the basement of a hospital. It was cold. Did I mention I was in a hospital gown? And I had to pee. Then when I'm on the cold x-ray table and the technician is finding all my organs I realize that I'm partially exposed. I realize this only after the technician covers me up again. The guy is fiddling around with the thingy that x-rays me (lamens terms) and I ask if there's a problem. "Well, I can't find your lower bowel." Most people would be concerned, but I had hope. Finally, an answer to my stomach problems!! Turns out, the technician just sucked. I do have a lower bowel, it was just hiding. Damn. No answers.

Fast forward to 2 years later. Another physical anomaly.  This time I had hit my head against a wall pretty hard and ended up with a giant goose egg on my forehead. Six months later.... the bump was still there. And hard. Yes, I waited 6 months before going to the doctor. I'm lying there and having my head prodded by my doctor and then she excuses herself. Remember that scene in Friends where Chandler has a third nipple and all those doctors surround him and probe him? Yeah, my doctor comes in with all her colleagues and they all wonder over what the hell this hard bump is on my head. After an ultrasound and some x-rays by multiple specialists, I have an answer of what it might be, but not why. It's inflamed bone. No, I still don't know what that is, other than a solid mass of bone. I have 2 options: get my head cut open and the bone shaved off and end up with a large scar, or hope it goes away. Rather than have an even more obvious mark on my face, I opted to hope for it to go away.

Another 6 months later it started to break up into smaller bumps and they slowly shifted and got smaller. You're thinking that maybe there was an alien or some sort of mutant bug in my head, aren't you?? I would have too, but I thought maybe the doctors could tell the difference between bone and mutant alien bug. One of the bumps started moving towards my eye socket and I was worried that it would float into my brain and KILL ME. My doctor said it "shouldn't" be a problem. I am still alive. After another few months it was finally mostly gone. I stopped getting questions on whether I got into a fight.

Then last weekend I was wrestling with my friend's dog. The little bugger pushed me over and stepped on my head. I have a hardcore scratch above my eye and above my eyebrow. They're pretty sweet. Guess what's back though... 2 little bumps of inflamed bone. Now I have to ask, "WHY GOD, WHY?!!"

UPDATE: I wrote this a few weeks ago and was thinking that the post was kind of boring. Now it's been awhile since I have posted anything so I decided to go back to this one. I now have 3 bumps but they're slightly reduced. One of my friends is in med school and I have made it his mission to find out what the hell happened to my head. I'm sure he's somewhat busy being in med school and all, but I will be knocking down his door the day he graduates.

I would also like to add that sober Alex managed to get a drunk Alex type bruise on the back of her leg. How did she do this? We don't know. In honor of that bruise, I'm going to show you a bruise I got in the summer. I woke up with it after a night of debauchery and nobody remembered how it could have happened. Enjoy. Try not to be jealous.

My entire thigh.

You're welcome. :)
Tootles friends!

Me, Strugglesaurus and Drunk Alex

There are so many times that I wish I was more artistic. Like last night, for instance. I was lying in bed and then BAM! This stupendous idea hits me. What if there was a cartoon about Strugglesaurus and Drunk Alex? I mean, if you put these two characters together, it's just cartoon genius! Strugglesaurus would be a t-rex (it's how I've always imagined her - awkward arms, massive tail that gets in the way) and DA would probably need one of those kids' leashes. Poor Strugglesaurus would always have to keep track of her and be tugging on the leash and sooner or later would bump her head on the wall after pulling the leash too hard. Then DA would wonder, yet again, where all the bruises came from. See?! Cartoon genius. Except... I have no artistic talent. Zero. It's all unfolding inside my head and I have nowhere to put it! Also, I'd probably run out of ideas after about 3 cartoons.

Can we just pause though for a minute? I curse my genetics for this one. My family plays Pictionary and I can say with confidence that we are all artistically challenged. However my brother and I kick ass every time. They should rename the game to Family Feud though... it's not like there's any sore losers in my family or anything, but nobody likes losing is all...Oh, right back to my story. If my parents were just more artistic then maybe I'd have a chance at this whole cartoon thing.

I would also be able to illustrate the kids' book I plan on writing some day. Which would make it even more awesome. A moment of silence please, for me being artistically challenged.

I thought for a minute about whether I should draw something up to prove how horrible I am at drawing. Then I figured that maybe I should keep one or two things to myself. That's how bad it is. Maybe DA will guest post some day and she can show you her drawing skills.

Hope y'all had a good holiday and New Years!

PS - It's 2011?! Wtf? I'm stuck in 2006. 

Thank you Muppets

Holla at me if you loved the Muppets as much as I did growing up. They were legit. No cheeseball living in perfect harmony happy go-lucky muppets on this show. Was there even a sane one on the cast? Other than Kermit. Who, by the way, was a lefty. (I have no idea HOW I know this, but I remember finding out as a kid and being super pumped, as a south paw myself.)

Even as a child, I loved the cynical hecklers Statler and Waldorf. They were so MEAN and so FUNNY. Then there was the Swedish Chef, 100% certifiably nuts. With knives. Add to that the raving bitch Miss Piggy. Now we're talking about a quality kids show! We have two ornery old men that heckle people, an insane chef with weapons and a bitch who nonstop nags her lover. My kind of show. I feel like Jim Henson and I would have gotten along swell (side note - I feel like swell comes from combining so and well.. makes sense). Looking back, it's no wonder that I loved it. Half the characters were just that, characters. I hope that one day I'm old and grouchy and have some to heckle with like Statler and Waldorf. That would be the perfect end to cap off my life. I hope I have their laughs too, so heartwarming.

By now some of you are thinking, "Ok, if we just back away quietly, we won't spook her and alert her that we've run off." It's ok, I know deep down there's a muppet inside each of you. (That's what she said. Bazinga.)

I leave you with Sam the Eagle.

Video from YouTube user VaughnMichael. Thanks for making my day.

The Battle of Good vs. Evil

A.K.A. the battle of Sober Alex vs. Drunk Alex. It's been an ongoing battle and a few years ago I decided to name my arch nemesis (note: arch nemesis is always said in a deep throaty voice) - Drunk Alex. She is a different person than I am, and way more fun. She's also a troublemaker. And makes questionable decisions on my behalf. Everybody else loves this girl, but Sober Alex questions her judgment the morning after. Actually, my parents don't love her so much. They think she is reckless (she is.. a little), and a boozehound (yep), and stays up too late (ok.. ok..) and they do not appreciate it when Sober Alex is sick the entire next day. 

Here are some of Drunk Alex's traits:

1. She loves everyone. You, you and you included. Hugs for everyone! Even people Sober Alex isn't a fan of. Even people that aren't fans of Sober (or Drunk) Alex. She loves them all equally. And maybe too much. She once screamed out her friend's name repeatedly because she saw that she was working at the restaurant she was walking by. It was a nice restaurant. Her friend still works there, although she hasn't seen that friend in awhile. Thanks Drunk Alex.
2. She loves tequila, and even has a chant and dance for it. Sober Alex does like this chant and dance, as it is catchy.
3. She climbs things. This one time she was playing volleyball and the ball went into the neighbour's yard. No problem, she just hopped up over the fence, onto the garage and retrieved the ball. Like a cat. Sober Alex thinks this may have been reckless but is also impressed by her catlikeness.
4. She enjoys walking around in bare feet. Outside, inside, upstairs, downstairs. She has even been caught in the fall running home in her bare feet. Dumb girl. And outside any time of year? Talk about black feet. And glass. There is a time and a place for bare feet... like the beach.
5. Food. Specifically - poutine. This is a trait both Alexes delight in and one that Sober Alex lets slide. Unless Drunk Alex leaves the leftover poutine beside the bed instead of in the garbage. Mmmm poutine.
6. She is guilty of "drunk dialing". Mostly old friends, and if they're REALLY lucky they'll get a voice mail with a proclamation of her love. Texting or drunk dialing old flames is extremely cringe-worthy for Sober Alex. Luckily said old flames know about Drunk Alex's tendencies.
7. She ends up with really random and sometimes scary bruises. Sober Alex has never managed to figure out how these bruises are incurred, however I'm sure that fence hopping doesn't help. 
8. She wanders. This was more serious when she was younger, but she is still known to wander off. Who knows why, if you see her, ask her, and then let me know.

There are some other even less lady-like traits that Drunk Alex possesses, however I'm not quite ready to share them with the world. After all, we are the same person. I must preserve any dignity that I have left. Oh I don't have any left? Ah well, who needs it.........

I've been trying to keep Drunk Alex under lock and key over the past year/6 months. It's been working for the most part. But every now and then someone catches her coming out. At least they think she's fun. Maybe I should take some tips from her. Below is a picture from a few years ago. Drunk Alex caught in action: traits 1 and 8 are seen. Over friendliness and wandering off. 

Engaged in very interesting conversation about the CFL

I suppose that Drunk Alex could have worse traits. Like starting fights, promiscuity, spending Sober Alex's savings.. I hope Drunk Alex never sees this post and gets any ideas.. Don't make me go sober! Because I swear I will! Is this post bordering on multiple personality disorder? I'm starting to think that it is. 

Next post: Dealing with the realization of having multiple personality disorder...

Things I love RIGHT NOW

There's a few things that have been making me smile lately. Even laughing! I thought I would share these and spread some holiday cheer. The Christmas holidays stress me out more than anything else, and so it comes that I need some cheering up. Thank goodness for the following:

1. Damn You Auto Correct. I am obsessed with this site right now. I can't wait until there's an app for blackberry users as I am pretty sure I could submit a daily error. Even though blackberry doesn't have auto correct. And you have no idea what I'm talking about, now do you? Go to the site, thank me later.

2. Snow. This is the time of year when I love snow most. The pretty snowflakes that fall to the ground and only last a day or two, when a fresh dusting adds so much beauty to an otherwise barren landscape.

3. Finding new blogs to creep. Every week I find someone else to adore and stalk. From humans are funny to Triton Cove to my newest find My. Daily. Randomness, I love reading about other people's lives and how I'm not the only strugglesaurus out there! I also have to say that the blog that finally pushed me to start my own was Hyperbole and a Half. I feel like she's my sister from another mister. She is one of the funniest people I have ever not met. I might drive out to the west coast and try to find her one day.

4. My new store. Well it's not "my" store, but I manage it and we just opened 4 days ago! It's been such an exciting and scary process and in the end, so rewarding. It helps that I have the most amazing boss in the world, because otherwise the past week setting up would not have been so enjoyable. But I do love labour and working hard for a good cause, and it was WORTH it! It's such a gorgeous store and I love working downtown. Now, if only there weren't so many stores to potentially bankrupt me.

5. Dark chocolate. Someone dropped off this massive bag of dark chocolate as a "Congrats" for the store opening and I have been inhaling it like nobody's business. It's good for you, right? I hope nobody else wants any. Because it's mine, all mine!

Now that you have this image of an obese, cynical, bah-humbug type of girl in  your head, I'll end my post. Oh, but before I do, I'll add in my new nickname to things I'm loving.

6. White Out. Although this might give people the wrong impression (I am neither albino nor a coke head) it does suit me rather well. I am constantly correcting myself and often others. I can't help it. It's a horrible horrible habit and sometimes I just can't bite my tongue. The nickname though, is amazing. I love it.

Seriously, now I'm saying goodbye. No, you hang up first. Smoochie boochies! (Screw snoochie boochies a la Jay and Silent Bob, I like smoochie boochies!)

xo

A family that farts together..

Ya I did. I put the f-word in the title of this post. A family that farts together stays together. What was the original saying? I like this one better. Every family has its quirks, and mine has some pretty funny ones. Here is an excerpt of a conversation one Sunday evening a few weeks ago. I would like to mention first that it was over Skype as I live in TO and they don't.
Daughter (me) [flips camera around to show inside of nose]: Do I have any boogers?
Parents: You're disgusting.
Daughter [adjusts camera to better see inside nose, wiggles nose around to make angle more interesting]: Well any nose hairs that need to be trimmed?
Parents: Nice, real nice.
[Mom walks out of room, possibly to trim own nose hairs. Daughter gets bored of showing inside of nose and that family is not more disgusted by it.]
Conversation continues between daughter and dad. Background conversation between mom and brother can be heard.
Mom: ... you fart too much!
Brother [pffffft]
Mom: You fart and you fart and you fart!
Brother [pffffft]
Mom: I think you deposited something with that last one! It's your food!
Brother: Then it's your cooking!
(Or something along those lines with the last one.. I'm sure brother will correct me.)
I gots the toots, you gots the toots, we all gots the toots.
Why isn't there a song about tooting? I think that should be Biebs' next song. Then I'd start listening to his music.

This is a picture of a slow loris. (Thanks primates.com) It exists. While my brother was living with me last summer I came across this image and decided that it looked like him. They have the same brown eyes. Heck yes there's an animal called a slow loris. Heck yes I like weird animals.