Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Heat of Summer

This summer has definitely been one for the books.

I have felt more lost and scared than I have in a very long time. Right now I am unemployed, after coming off of an incredible 4 month trip through Central America I have been trying to figure out what I want to do next with my life. And that's a big question. What do I want to do? I have no fucking clue. I have thought about working in a bar to enable me to go traveling again, or go back to school or work in not-for-profit or teach ESL. I have no idea and it is terrifying. There are days where I feel so lost that I don't want to get out of bed. Between that and trying to figure out where I fit in life, I get serious bouts of depression. I have lashed out at my family more times than is acceptable. I'm living at home after living on my own for 11 years and we've all been adjusting to each other.

But I have also had one of the best summers that I can remember. I love my family. They are so supportive of me and have put up with my shit. While I have often felt that I would like to be on my own and not disturbed, I find comfort in their support. I have seen friends that I hadn't seen in months and laughed so much that my stomach hurts. I've gone hiking, cycling, camping, cottaging, canoeing, swimming and most recently my first music festival. I am more tanned than I have ever been in my life because I have spent so much time outside. I can't get enough of it. I've read about 4 or 5 books. They have been my therapy. It has been 5 days since I've read and I'm itching to start a new book. I've also had a lot of ice cream. Ice cream is delicious.

I met a boy too. He's pretty great and has brought me so much happiness and opened up my cold heart that hasn't been trusting in many many years. Even though our time is limited since he will be moving across the globe in a couple of weeks, he will always hold a special place in my heart for allowing me to be me and being someone I can trust and open up to and have the absolute best time with. You guys would really like him.

So much has happened this summer and I feel like I haven't even touched on half of it. I am also going to BC next week to see my family. I haven't seen them in a few years and the mountains are one of my happy places. I will be seeing my nana for probably the last time. She is in a hospital full time and has serious dementia. She won't recognize me. But I am glad that I will be able to say goodbye. She is an incredible woman with the best laugh and sense of humor. Even though she won't be the same person when I see her, she'll still be my nana.

And in a couple of weeks I will be turning 30. Quite the milestone and I think I'm okay with it. Let's leave it there so that I don't overthink it.

I've been on an emotional roller coaster. Many of my ups are tied in with my downs, and sometimes my heart feels like it will explode. But I can't change any of it. If you took away those downs then you'd be taking away my highs. And those highs are amazing. And they are accentuated even more because I know that not everything is perfect and I'm lucky to have what I have. I am very very lucky.

So thank you, I love you dearly.