Thursday, December 16, 2010

Thank you Muppets

Holla at me if you loved the Muppets as much as I did growing up. They were legit. No cheeseball living in perfect harmony happy go-lucky muppets on this show. Was there even a sane one on the cast? Other than Kermit. Who, by the way, was a lefty. (I have no idea HOW I know this, but I remember finding out as a kid and being super pumped, as a south paw myself.)

Even as a child, I loved the cynical hecklers Statler and Waldorf. They were so MEAN and so FUNNY. Then there was the Swedish Chef, 100% certifiably nuts. With knives. Add to that the raving bitch Miss Piggy. Now we're talking about a quality kids show! We have two ornery old men that heckle people, an insane chef with weapons and a bitch who nonstop nags her lover. My kind of show. I feel like Jim Henson and I would have gotten along swell (side note - I feel like swell comes from combining so and well.. makes sense). Looking back, it's no wonder that I loved it. Half the characters were just that, characters. I hope that one day I'm old and grouchy and have some to heckle with like Statler and Waldorf. That would be the perfect end to cap off my life. I hope I have their laughs too, so heartwarming.

By now some of you are thinking, "Ok, if we just back away quietly, we won't spook her and alert her that we've run off." It's ok, I know deep down there's a muppet inside each of you. (That's what she said. Bazinga.)

I leave you with Sam the Eagle.

Video from YouTube user VaughnMichael. Thanks for making my day.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Battle of Good vs. Evil

A.K.A. the battle of Sober Alex vs. Drunk Alex. It's been an ongoing battle and a few years ago I decided to name my arch nemesis (note: arch nemesis is always said in a deep throaty voice) - Drunk Alex. She is a different person than I am, and way more fun. She's also a troublemaker. And makes questionable decisions on my behalf. Everybody else loves this girl, but Sober Alex questions her judgment the morning after. Actually, my parents don't love her so much. They think she is reckless (she is.. a little), and a boozehound (yep), and stays up too late (ok.. ok..) and they do not appreciate it when Sober Alex is sick the entire next day. 
Here are some of Drunk Alex's traits:
  1. She loves everyone. You, you and you included. Hugs for everyone! Even people Sober Alex isn't a fan of. Even people that aren't fans of Sober (or Drunk) Alex. She loves them all equally. And maybe too much. She once screamed out her friend's name repeatedly because she saw that she was working at the restaurant she was walking by. It was a nice restaurant. Her friend still works there, although she hasn't seen that friend in awhile. Thanks Drunk Alex.
  2. She loves tequila, and even has a chant and dance for it. Sober Alex does like this chant and dance, as it is catchy.
  3. She climbs things. This one time she was playing volleyball and the ball went into the neighbour's yard. No problem, she just hopped up over the fence, onto the garage and retrieved the ball. Like a cat. Sober Alex thinks this may have been reckless but is also impressed by her catlikeness.
  4. She enjoys walking around in bare feet. Outside, inside, upstairs, downstairs. She has even been caught in the fall running home in her bare feet. Dumb girl. And outside any time of year? Talk about black feet. And glass. There is a time and a place for bare feet... like the beach.
  5. Food. Specifically - poutine. This is a trait both Alexes delight in and one that Sober Alex lets slide. Unless Drunk Alex leaves the leftover poutine beside the bed instead of in the garbage. Mmmm poutine.
  6. She is guilty of "drunk dialing". Mostly old friends, and if they're REALLY lucky they'll get a voice mail with a proclamation of her love. Texting or drunk dialing old flames is extremely cringe-worthy for Sober Alex. Luckily said old flames know about Drunk Alex's tendencies.
  7. She ends up with really random and sometimes scary bruises. Sober Alex has never managed to figure out how these bruises are incurred, however I'm sure that fence hopping doesn't help. 
  8. She wanders. This was more serious when she was younger, but she is still known to wander off. Who knows why, if you see her, ask her, and then let me know.

There are some other even less lady-like traits that Drunk Alex possesses, however I'm not quite ready to share them with the world. After all, we are the same person. I must preserve any dignity that I have left. Oh I don't have any left? Ah well, who needs it.........

I've been trying to keep Drunk Alex under lock and key over the past year/6 months. It's been working for the most part. But every now and then someone catches her coming out. At least they think she's fun. Maybe I should take some tips from her. Below is a picture from a few years ago. Drunk Alex caught in action: traits 1 and 8 are seen. Over friendliness and wandering off. 
Engaged in very interesting conversation about the CFL
I suppose that Drunk Alex could have worse traits. Like starting fights, promiscuity, spending Sober Alex's savings.. I hope Drunk Alex never sees this post and gets any ideas.. Don't make me go sober! Because I swear I will! Is this post bordering on multiple personality disorder? I'm starting to think that it is. 

Next post: Dealing with the realization of having multiple personality disorder...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Things I love RIGHT NOW

There's a few things that have been making me smile lately. Even laughing! I thought I would share these and spread some holiday cheer. The Christmas holidays stress me out more than anything else, and so it comes that I need some cheering up. Thank goodness for the following:

1. Damn You Auto Correct. I am obsessed with this site right now. I can't wait until there's an app for blackberry users as I am pretty sure I could submit a daily error. Even though blackberry doesn't have auto correct. And you have no idea what I'm talking about, now do you? Go to the site, thank me later.

2. Snow. This is the time of year when I love snow most. The pretty snowflakes that fall to the ground and only last a day or two, when a fresh dusting adds so much beauty to an otherwise barren landscape.

3. Finding new blogs to creep. Every week I find someone else to adore and stalk. From humans are funny to Triton Cove to my newest find My. Daily. Randomness, I love reading about other people's lives and how I'm not the only strugglesaurus out there! I also have to say that the blog that finally pushed me to start my own was Hyperbole and a Half. I feel like she's my sister from another mister. She is one of the funniest people I have ever not met. I might drive out to the west coast and try to find her one day.

4. My new store. Well it's not "my" store, but I manage it and we just opened 4 days ago! It's been such an exciting and scary process and in the end, so rewarding. It helps that I have the most amazing boss in the world, because otherwise the past week setting up would not have been so enjoyable. But I do love labour and working hard for a good cause, and it was WORTH it! It's such a gorgeous store and I love working downtown. Now, if only there weren't so many stores to potentially bankrupt me.

5. Dark chocolate. Someone dropped off this massive bag of dark chocolate as a "Congrats" for the store opening and I have been inhaling it like nobody's business. It's good for you, right? I hope nobody else wants any. Because it's mine, all mine!

Now that you have this image of an obese, cynical, bah-humbug type of girl in  your head, I'll end my post. Oh, but before I do, I'll add in my new nickname to things I'm loving.

6. White Out. Although this might give people the wrong impression (I am neither albino nor a coke head) it does suit me rather well. I am constantly correcting myself and often others. I can't help it. It's a horrible horrible habit and sometimes I just can't bite my tongue. The nickname though, is amazing. I love it.

Seriously, now I'm saying goodbye. No, you hang up first. Smoochie boochies! (Screw snoochie boochies a la Jay and Silent Bob, I like smoochie boochies!)


Monday, December 6, 2010

A family that farts together..

Ya I did. I put the f-word in the title of this post. A family that farts together stays together. What was the original saying? I like this one better. Every family has its quirks, and mine has some pretty funny ones. Here is an excerpt of a conversation one Sunday evening a few weeks ago. I would like to mention first that it was over Skype as I live in TO and they don't.
Daughter (me) [flips camera around to show inside of nose]: Do I have any boogers?
Parents: You're disgusting.
Daughter [adjusts camera to better see inside nose, wiggles nose around to make angle more interesting]: Well any nose hairs that need to be trimmed?
Parents: Nice, real nice.
[Mom walks out of room, possibly to trim own nose hairs. Daughter gets bored of showing inside of nose and that family is not more disgusted by it.]
Conversation continues between daughter and dad. Background conversation between mom and brother can be heard.
Mom: ... you fart too much!
Brother [pffffft]
Mom: You fart and you fart and you fart!
Brother [pffffft]
Mom: I think you deposited something with that last one! It's your food!
Brother: Then it's your cooking!
(Or something along those lines with the last one.. I'm sure brother will correct me.)
I gots the toots, you gots the toots, we all gots the toots.
Why isn't there a song about tooting? I think that should be Biebs' next song. Then I'd start listening to his music.
This is a picture of a slow loris. (Thanks It exists. While my brother was living with me last summer I came across this image and decided that it looked like him. They have the same brown eyes. Heck yes there's an animal called a slow loris. Heck yes I like weird animals.

Monday, November 29, 2010

As long as it's a proper noun..

You know when you see someone with their tag sticking out and it just bugs you so much and you're itching to tuck it back in? (I've gone up to the odd person to tuck it in if they seem like the type to appreciate their tag inside their shirt...) Well that is the feeling I get inside when I see the "word" "alot". I have to put word in quotations because it is not, in fact, a word. But, it's EVERYWHERE!! It's like Crocs, you would like them to go far far away and never return... but you know they won't.

And then, my fellow grammar freaks, my life was changed completely. I will never be the same person ever again. Ok so I might get over it one day. To the point - someone told me that Alot is a place. In India. In the region of Madhya Pradesh. Here is a map of it:
Thanks Wikipedia
 In my mind, this doesn't change things. So what if a non-word is a proper noun? Most names aren't actual words, that you could legally use in Scrabble anyway. Unless it's Carol. That's a word AND a name.

Ya learn something new every day!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A long winded response

Where to start? Well, from the top. Last Tuesday I posted about a series of voice mails. The post is still up but the voice messages are gone. I received some hateful comments, but kept up the ones that had a valid point. After all, it probably was wrong for me to put the voice messages up in the first place. Then on Sunday night around 10pm I started getting comment after comment, the first one reading "you're a dumb c**t, fuck off and die". I'm sorry, what? They kept coming in, and some nice person told me that my blog had been forwarded to some forum, where I quickly followed to. It was eye opening, someone claiming to be the guy in the voice messages had posted about finding my blog, and then linked to it. So in less than 24 hours, thanks to this phony and the forum housing mob mentality, my blog went from having about 20 viewers to 6,635 angry trollers.

So, I'd like to address some audiences here: Awesome, the forum trollers, the poster, and any other concerned parties.

1. Awesome, if you ever do read this, and feel humiliated, I am truly sorry. When I posted this that did not cross my mind. It's a fault of mine, probably because I am self-deprecating and do not think twice about embarrassing myself. I felt that the post was anonymous enough that there would be no way for it to hurt anybody involved.

2. Forum trollers, I don't have a better name. I received 75 comments on my blog in 2 hours Sunday night before I shut down the commenting. I didn't go through them, I only deleted. Why? Because being called a c**t and getting death threats is a little unnerving, and unwarranted. "I wish I lived near you so that I could rape and murder you." So I selected them all and deleted. Unfortunately there were some very valid points - even if I didn't agree with them, I would have kept them on. But since I couldn't control the comments, I removed them. I didn't ask for any of this attention, nor do I want any of this attention. I had 20 followers before, I was not the one who published that post on the forum to get attention. Then there are the people who went way too far. I'm sorry, but finding out all of my personal information and attacking me via facebook? Seriously? One message said: "Get ready, you're so fucked. :)" Also, if you listened to the message, and read what the "AsimAwesome" wrote, you'd realized that his story is fraudulent, he's a fake. But thanks anyway for all your kind words.

3. Dear "AsimAwesome", why? I know that you're not the guy who left the phone messages, unless your story just doesn't make sense because you've forgotten some of the important details. Or all of the details? If you were personally offended, you could have asked me to take the voice messages down.

4. This turned into a racial thing, which is crazy to me. I have done some of my own research on the name Asim because I have only ever heard it pronounced "A-sim" and "A-seem". I had no idea that it could be pronounced "Awesome". I have yet to find any information or examples of when it is pronounced that way, but if anybody genuinely does pronounce their name that way, then I'd like to know. It's like the name Kailey and it's derivatives. Is it Kay-lee, or K-eye-lee? There are a million different forms of every name these days.

5. I contacted the other website that posted my personal information and encouraged threats. They took my contact information down but did not get back to me. The reason I'm not listing the forum site or the other website is because I have no desire to give them any credit or attention. Sites that encourage malicious behaviour are pointless.

6. What I learned. I can make fun of myself as much as I want, but that's it. Whether the person construes the message to be rude, humiliating or hurtful is fair enough. I also learned about mob mentality and how it's pretty unnerving to be the focus of an attack. You probably shouldn't be on any social media sites if you don't want to be found, that was a really quick lesson learned. I am now completely unlisted everywhere. I think. I'm also going to keep the comments function disabled for the time  being. This isn't because I can't handle comments that are negative, but because of all those slightly less friendly ones. If ya don't like my blog, don't read it.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

What I've learned thus far

So it's been a month since I've first started blogging, and I thought I'd write a little about what I've learned so far. It's not much, no worry, it won't take me long.

1. The easiest part was the decision to start a blog. It's all downhill from there. And downhill as in sorting out my thoughts into words is freaking hard!
2. I originally thought I had tons of ideas, but after 2 posts I almost covered everything.
3. Trying to design the blog the way I want it to look is utterly infuriating. I have given up. Will try again next week...
4. There are many hateful people out there waiting to pounce.*
5. There are way more absolutely amazing (and awesome) people out there who want to support you.
6. Anonymity = the ability for assholes to come out from their corners.*
7. Although the blogosphere may be more massive than I can imagine, there are little communities within that scoop you right up! I like communities.
8. Writing is therapeutic in a way I couldn't have fathomed.
9. While Google Analytics is freaking cool, I would like to be able to get more detail, as in, what neighbourhood do my readers live in? :) 

* - I recently posted something that I thought was funny, because I had shared it with friends and family a few years ago and they thought it was knee-slappingly funny. Turns out some people had very very strong feelings the other way. And while I completely respect an honest opinion and comment, I was flabbergasted at some of the vile comments I received. All of the horrible comments did, of course, come from anonymous people.

Why the anonymity? Because I believe that they are negative people who just want someone to shit on.  I have never been able to understand why there are people who go out of their way to be hurtful. But they've been there since the beginning of time and they'll be there tomorrow. I've never been shit on anonymously (not even by a seagull**), so at first I was upset and confused and felt the need to defend myself. And I did, and then I realized that I am who I am, and these comments have nothing to do with the person that I am. I have always tried to be unfailingly me, and that's why I started the blog. And that's why I'll always write from my heart, strugglesaurus and all. (Awww)

** - I believe that the whole "it's good luck if a seagull shits on you" shtick was invented to make people feel better when they get shit on. There's nothing worse than being shit on, so I hear.

Random question: Anyone know where I can get me a capybara? I hear they make good pets. See below.

Yes, they do exist. I found this sweet pic from

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Awesomely Awful (and my love life)

Since I moved a little over 2 years ago, I have to admit that I haven't really dated. I dipped my toe in the water only to find the water was freezing and full of weeds. I hate weeds. I got caught in them when I was swimming across a lake when I was a kid and even though I had a tube or some other flotation device, having your leg caught by a gross weed is fucking terrifying.

Where was I? Oh yes, dating. Some of my friends love dating, even if they have horrible dates, they still go out, time and again. Me, I'm not so keen on a bad date, I'd rather just skip it. That and living in a big pond has made it harder to meet cool people. I might get ronery every once in awhile, and I know that I should be thinking about finding a mate (says my mom), but I'm cool with being single. As the CREEEEPY Rogers guy who fixed my cable yesterday said as he sat beside me on my couch and looked around my apartment "it must be nice living alone, you can do whatever you want and nobody will bug you". Yes creepy Rogers man, it is nice. I might get a dog or cat to cuddle with at night though.

Anyway, I really got sidetracked there. What I wanted to tell you about was this guy, his name is Awesome. Really. He is another reason why I hide in my basement apartment. The ONE AND ONLY time I drunkenly gave a guy my number, this is what happened. 3 voice mails later. Before I got the chance to give him a call back I had 3 voice messages from him. For other women out there who've felt nervous about a random guy, I'm sure you'll see how his extreme enthusiasm was a little unsettling. Although he did seem like a nice bloke, it was unnerving to see this behaviour escalate to the level of stalker mentality - it's scary out there, especially since I was only 22 at the time! Enjoy my friends, hopefully you'll like it as much as my dad did. He is Awesome's biggest fan. Fact.

UPDATE: I've actually decided to take the voicemail down because someone via reddit is pretending to be AWESOME (not Asim, trust me people, that's how he spelled it) and create a sob story. Unfortunately (and fortunately for me) he got some important details wrong and I was able to pretty quickly assess that it was some asshole trying to get attention by making up a story.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Strugglesaurus qualities 2

This is going to be an ongoing list. Late at night when I'm in bed I get out my and start typing away more qualities that a strugglesaurus possesses. Or I'll slip while walking and almost bail and then open up my list and add to it. I almost bailed about 6 or 7 times on last week, wearing 2 different types of boots. The only thing I can blame was a leaf, and that was once.
So anyway, here's some more qualities that you may see in yourself, and as Bill Engvall would say "Here's your sign".
  • You either snort/choke/spew while laughing, more often than not. Snorting is my favourite.
  • Technology hates you. Probably because of how many times you've lost/broken your cell phone/camera/laptop. I've had at least 9 phones and 4-5 cameras. Damn you Red bull!!
  • You've woken up with gum in your hair. And spent over an hour using cooking oil to get it out.
  • You've mooned a room or 2 or 3 full of people because your dress is tucked in your underoos.
  • You've mooned and/or flashed the world because the wind caught your dress and your hands were full. 
  • You've choked on your saliva. It's embarrassing when someone asks if you're ok because it's been 5 minutes since your last breath and you have to tell them yes, you're just choking on your saliva.
  • You have a drinking problem. A sober drinking problem. Turns out the whole cup-to-mouth movement is harder than it looks. A day without spilling on your shirt is considered a victory.
  • You have your own dictionary of words you've created, which is cool. Until you forget what the real word is when talking to someone. Lucky me, my fave non-word is penii and doesn't come up in conversation too often.
That's all I have for now friends. But don't worry, the weekend is coming up and I'm pretty positive I'll be able to come up with more.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Hey guess what!

I registered a domain name, what what! So now instead of (which you can still, of course, use because it's still awesome) you can go to! Woo! Just a little warning, if you forget the word "blog" in the address you'll be taken to a playboy website. And not mine. Damn you playboy!!! Damn you!! Oh well, it'll be a pleasant detour for some people if they accidentally type in the wrong address.

Wow, how did this announcement turn into me vomiting out my thoughts?

So, the awesomeness that is lexinthecity, there's a little strugglesaurus in all of us, now has its own website. Tres exciting!

PS - Awesome. (Because using the word 3 times in one post seemed like the thing to do.)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My family in a nutshell

This past weekend I went home to visit my family and some friends, and there was a moment on Sunday night where I thought "this is my family in a nutshell". My brother once said "our family puts the dis in dysfunctional", and do we ever! We're all fairly sarcastic and normally choose one person to pick on, most of the time it's my mom. We're like vultures, circling and choosing the one who says the wrong thing.

So Sunday evening we sit down in the living room after dinner and the last few minutes of "The Amazing Race" are on. It's not my type of show, but I can see how people like it. My mom says that my brother and I should go on the show(!!). My brother, not skipping a beat, says in reply, "Yeah, she'd end up with her head on a pike and a trench coat around it. They'd ask "Are you sure that's your sister?" and I'd shake her head yes, I'm sure." Morbid, right? It was pretty funny, but then my mom starts howling (or cackling) and says that she can just see my brother trying to maneouver my mouth to make me talk and starts getting into detail about my body-less head. Seriously, it was disturbing. These visions of my bloody head on a pike with a trench coat and my brother trying to convince people it really was me were running through my MOTHER'S head and she found it absolutely hilarious. She's sick and twisted, and that's where my sense of humour comes from. Personally I thought that my brother and I would make a great team, even if I didn't make it out alive. And that's my fam in a nutshell.

And my family thinks I'M the weird one. Ya, ok.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I'm worried about my brain and its regression

Ok, so I'm no English major and I've never written a book, but I do happen to love the English language (read: nerd) and learned to obsess over spelling and grammar at the age of 10. I was in french immersion and so our school had a pretty intensive English class to make sure we didn't fall behind. It was one of the only classes I liked, as from grade 2 I had a WITCH for a teacher, Mme. Hag* and in grade 5 Mme. Crabbyapple* wasn't much nicer. Mme. Hag had flaming red hair and I'm pretty sure she was an alien, like Will Smith's teacher on Men in Black. She was certifiably nuts. I was scared shitless. She flew off on her broom halfway through the semester, no joke, so the wee children were safe from her gingerbread house. Mme. Crabbyapple, she was just mean. She thought I was dumb, and possibly being abused at home or something (I found this out later). Needless to say my parents didn't like her. I just shook every time she looked at me with those mean eyes, I couldn't help but stutter and clam up. So when English class came around I dove into it with fervor. Here's where my story actually starts to come back around - when I tested at grade 12 spelling in grade 5, I told EVERYBODY. Not just that day, that week, that year, but I'm pretty sure I told someone last week. One of my best friends used me as her dictionary. I loved it. I embrace the nerd in me. Now, I would never enter a spelling bee or anything because that shit is just crazy.

So, why complain? Because the other day I spelled "flies" in a bbm message "flys". FLYS PEOPLE, FLYS. WTF?!? Who am I? What have I become? I cringe. I also have spelled "you're" instead of "your", not the other way around. Most people wouldn't care, but I do.
A lot. Side note: thank god I can still spell "a lot" correctly. Kill me if I ever spell it as one word. And not some quick death, a slow and painful death filled with horrible grammar. And the word flys. What is happening to my brain? I've accepted the brain farts and always losing my train of thought, but now this? I'm regressing. Oy vey.

How do I prevent this embarrassing regression from furthering damage on my brain/dignity? Sad face. Any advice would be appreciated. I do the crossword (it's no New York Times,  but it'll do) and it's clearly not helping. And if it is helping, then oh god, I'm only 25 and it's all downhill from here. First.. little meaningless spelling mistakes, then I start having trouble stringing sentences together, and then I can only communicate via chest pounding and "Me Tarzan, You Jane". I won't make it in the jungle!!! I won't survive!

So remember: if I ever spell "a lot" the other way - I can't even purposely spell it the wrong way for fear of using it in the future - SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH FULL OF GRAMMATICAL ERRORS. Also, Hyperbole and a Half has the most amazing image of a creature she calls the Alot. This creature helps me deal with people.

* Mme. Hag's and Mme. Crabbyapple's names have been changed because my mom said I should. Not because I wanted to. I am still giving them the evil eye in my mind.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

How to Get Sick

Ladies and gentlemen. There probably aren't any ladies or gentlemen reading this. If there are, then I just offended them and they just left.
Compadres, here's a way to get sick, and really make it count. As a kid, I was no stranger to hospitals or clinics. From ear infections to whooping cough to croup to more ear infections to a dislocated shoulder, over the years I got to know the Alberta Children's Hospital pretty well. And to looove that banana medicine they give you. So good, I hope that kids still get that shit for ear infections.
Needless to say, it's one thing to be plagued with a nasty ear infection, it's quite another to have to deal with other ailments at the same time.

Let's take this story to the next chapter. Many years ago I planned a trip to visit my family out west and as it turns out the blinding pain that I experienced the first few days made it somewhat of a haze.
It started on the plane. Swollen throat, plugged ears, and why did it hurt to pee? Maybe it was the cramps I was also feeling? I was traveling alone and had nobody to ask why I was experiencing these symptoms. The next day I was in so much pain that I couldn't stop pacing and I spent my visit with my cousin in the clinic. This is where the story gets fuzzy. I know that I had a 12 hour bus to catch that night, that was fun. There was a guy who wanted to talk about his girlfriend and how he visited her every weekend and how hard the 12 hour long distance relationship was but of course it was worth it because he totally loved her. Ya, fun. When my aunt picked me up from the bus stop I got a call from the clinic and a very nervous receptionist began to describe what I had and that I should probably go to the hospital NOW. Apparently if I waited too much longer I would succumb to a horrible fever. For real. When you let strep throat, an ear infection and a bladder infection fester, not only do you want to end your life, but it can also get worse. I can feel more pain? So my visit with my aunt was spent driving to the nearest hospital. True story: I walked in to the ER, told the doctor my list of ailments and he wrote me a prescription for penicillin. I guess I just looked like I was telling the truth and was probably on the verge of passing out. Which I did as soon as we got back to my aunt's house. And that was another visit wasted. My aunt was used to "things" happening surrounding my visits though so she wasn't surprised. I'll tell a couple of those stories later on.

Anyway, I can't really say for sure what the exact order everything happened in because I was so immersed in my own pain that everything became blurry. But it wasn't a dream and it did all happen at once. So my friends, if you're going to get sick, do it all at once and get it out of the way. And hopefully you're not allergic to penicillin.

This story is dedicated to my friend who is experiencing one of the aforementioned ailments. Also, wipe front to back. Just sayin.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Ear muffs! "Bad words" will be used

Do you remember when you first used a "bad word"? Well I don't remember the first time I swore, but I do remember the first time I got caught. Dad, this one's for you!

To start off, let me tell you about the first couple of times I swore. The first "bad word" was shit. Not such a bad word, right? Well how about using it in a public place... when you're a toddler..? And using it correctly? Oops! Now, I'm not a parent myself, but I can imagine the difficulty in biting your tongue when you drop something on your foot or forget your wallet on the roof of the car. I'm surprised my first word wasn't 'shit'! (No offense mom and dad, I just have an affinity towards the word.) So, enter cute family of 3 into family restaurant. It's one of the new parents' favourite restaurant. At 2 this little girl still wasn't much good at walking and incidentally tripped. "SHIT!" Heads turned, mouths dropped, and my parents probably went through every word they ever said in my presence. Sorry friends, but my parents still were not able to censor all of their curse words. Next stop: another restaurant. Next curse? JESUS CHRIST! This time nobody tripped. I just felt the need to yell "JESUS CHRIST!" repeatedly in yet another restaurant that my parents would be too embarrassed to take me back to.

Fast forward 10 years (ish) to elementary school. My dad helped out with our computer class and so was in the school quite a bit. When you're an adolescent you tend to (or at least I did) swear without necessary cause. So walking by a classroom during break I used the word "SHIT!" pretty loudly and then skidded to a stop as I saw my dad staring at me from the classroom. Oops? I probably swore again as I realized that I was caught. My dad still hasn't let me off the hook for that one. Aw, shit.

Shit's still my favourite word, seems appropriate, non?

Friday, October 22, 2010

I'm a model you know what I mean

Ok, I am NOT a model. But that's an excellent song. "I'm gonna do my little thing on the catwalk, oh the catwalk!" This little story starts with an awkward 12 year old girl who just wanted to learn how to sew. Luckily for her, there was a sewing class being run in her neighbourhood. She made all sorts of really cool (read: SO UGLY) things. Like a corduroy jumper, flannel nightie, and a velvet skirt. Why? It's ok, she still asks herself this, especially the velvet skirt, velvet is not beginner sewer friendly. She totally rocked that skirt at someone's birthday later that month, they were so jealous. Anyway, the last week her sewing teacher had a "great surprise" for the students. Oh yes, they were going to have a fashion show and model what they made. Fun, right? No. Not fun. The poor girl was so nervous and had zero desire to walk in front of people she didn't know, wearing the ugliest shit ever. She was still very very shy. Someone kind brought timbits for the unfortunate "models" and so the girl decided that since she hadn't eaten in a few hours, she should probably eat something. Right before she walked out in front of all those strangers she popped a whole one in her mouth. And choked. In front of everybody. And a photographer from the local paper caught it and it was put in the paper. YAY! So mortifying.. Good news people, this was before newspapers had online archives.
There is a happy ending though. The girl got over this horrific event and actually outgrew her shyness. She enjoys doing fashion shows for friends and fundraisers and hasn't fallen off any stages or walked out with her outfit on backwards or anything embarrassing like that. Miracle, right? Especially since she's a strugglesaurus offstage.
The inspiration behind this story is that I did a mini-fashion show tonight because a friend launched a dress line and needed some "models" to show off her line. It went off without a hitch! Everybody loved the line and nobody tripped or choked on food! Win!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Guest post!

I think you should check out what some of favourite items are right now on Etsy. Head over to Eat Live Shop for my guest post! And to see my friend Renee's fab blog!
Yay! I have a guest post on someone else's blog!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Post # 2!

How do you know if you're a strugglesaurus? I'm sure that I'll be inserting the random post here and there with a little "OOH! This is ALSO how you know you're a strugglesaurus!" But for now, here's a short list:
  1. You've tripped, sober, without an obstacle to trip on, numerous times. Sidewalk came up out of nowhere!
  2. You laugh the hardest at all of your jokes. Maybe even before the punchline. It's ok, they're funny jokes!
  3. You spent the entire day with your shirt buttoned up wrong, and checked yourself in the mirror a couple of times. You look good!
  4. You accidentally hit reply all, and because it was accidental, you probably shouldn't have. 
  5. You tooted, it was supposed to be quiet. It was not. And it can't be passed off as some other noise. 

#1 is my biggest offense. And since I have not been able to figure out how to walk, I have figured out how to recover somewhat gracefully. I will share these tips with you some time, I promise. Warning: You cannot recover with any grace if you face plant. And if you have an audience, you might even acquire the nickname "face plant". Sorry, just laugh it off. And no, the nickname probably won't go away... ever. Sigh.

Note: For the #5 offenders... It is advisable to try to avoid singing "beans, beans the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot". Only awkward laughter will ensue.

Much love.

Monday, October 18, 2010

What IS a "strugglesaurus"?

That would be me, my new found friends. Yes, I am what a strugglesaurus looks like. But before I get into what a strugglesaurus is comprised of, I'll tell you a bit more about me.

I've been in Toronto for a couple of years now, and I absolutely love it. I was hoping to leave my years of awkwardness behind me - something like ugly duckling turns into swan. Instead as it turns out I still need Mr. Henry Higgins à la My Fair Lady. Hopefully you'll see through my stories and musings a girl who can laugh at her mistakes, loves sarcasm, almost always uses perfect grammar, and always gets up and dusts herself off.

Now, the strugglesaurus. It is inside all of us. It dances with 2 left feet, when entering a room it trips, when telling a story it tells the punchline too early (or too late, or not the right punchline), and it always has a milk mustache. Yes, ladies and gentleman, this is the strugglesaurus, recognize it? Maybe see some of it inside of you? Je pense que oui. Unfortunately since I have a lot of strugglesaurus in me, this means that some of my posts aren't going to be as smooth as I would like. But I promise that I will try to make them as funny as possible!

Love to you all, enjoy.