Tuesday, January 25, 2011

You think YOUR dreams are weird?

I've always had very vivid dreams. If I have a nightmare, it's normally recurring and I feel ill the next day. I often go back to the same houses in my dreams, and story lines will pick up where they left off. They rarely make any sense whatsoever. Some of my recurring dreams/nightmares as a kid were:

- tigers chasing me through the jungle. This is the first nightmare that I remember having, and just the beginning of my running dreams
- a giant trying to find me in my house. I could NEVER hide well enough, he would always be able to see me through one of my windows. I was always afraid of robbers (and aliens, but that's another story) coming into the house and that's probably where this nightmare stemmed from.
- using my arms to fly. I loved this one. In a lot of my dreams I can still "fly" or float. I would just flap my arms and I could soar at first over small objects, then over trees and then I was high in the sky. Because I can never run fast enough in my dreams, flying comes in handy.
- dinosaurs. I would like to thank Jurassic Park for this one. I was 8 when this movie came out and was both terrified and fascinated by it. I don't think I minded the leaf eaters, it was more when T-Rex came on the scene that shit hit the fan. And because I don't think I had discovered flying yet and couldn't run fast or drive, it was pretty scary. Don't laugh.
- as I got older my dreams became more vivid; now if I have a nightmare I won't ever ever EVER forget it. I still remember the first time I died and the first time I shot a gun. Fucked, huh?

So the other night I have a dream that I lost both of my feet. I can't remember exactly how, but I think it was my fault. I blame this happening because I just finished Aron Ralston's book 127 Hours: Between a Rock and a Hard Place. He has to cut off his own hand after being trapped under a boulder for 6 days. So throughout all of my dreams that night, I had no feet. I was using those arm crutches/canes and regular crutches to get everywhere. Man, was it ever slow. Then this doctor told me he could make me new feet and I was all excited because I have always wanted to be a size 7 shoe. Seriously. I'm an 8 1/2... ok, 9 sometimes.. and believe that shoes always look better in a size 7. Sigh. Oh, and then in my dream I found out where my high school ex lived and he made me this amazing dinner of shrimp and strawberries (really?!) and then the house turned into somewhere else and a microphone wire was trying to go down my throat. I'll end it there because it just gets weirder after the microphone wire incident.

Yeah, you thought your dreams were weird? Y'all got nothing on my dreams.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Donating My Body to Science

I've never been a huge fan of doctors. Mostly because whenever I've gone to see one, they haven't been able to figure out what's wrong.

Let's go back about 6 years ago to when I was having some serious stomach issues. I'd seen a few doctors and finally went to talk to a gastroenterologist. I had to get a barium test done. If any of you have had one of these, grimace with me. I had to drink a litre of "strawberry" flavoured chalky barium, then some other mixture to keep air bubbles from forming. This barium had to work its way through my body and light up all my organs, so I was chalk full (get it?? chock.. chalk..) of liquid in a sweet hospital gown for a few hours. In the basement of a hospital. It was cold. Did I mention I was in a hospital gown? And I had to pee. Then when I'm on the cold x-ray table and the technician is finding all my organs I realize that I'm partially exposed. I realize this only after the technician covers me up again. The guy is fiddling around with the thingy that x-rays me (lamens terms) and I ask if there's a problem. "Well, I can't find your lower bowel." Most people would be concerned, but I had hope. Finally, an answer to my stomach problems!! Turns out, the technician just sucked. I do have a lower bowel, it was just hiding. Damn. No answers.

Fast forward to 2 years later. Another physical anomaly.  This time I had hit my head against a wall pretty hard and ended up with a giant goose egg on my forehead. Six months later.... the bump was still there. And hard. Yes, I waited 6 months before going to the doctor. I'm lying there and having my head prodded by my doctor and then she excuses herself. Remember that scene in Friends where Chandler has a third nipple and all those doctors surround him and probe him? Yeah, my doctor comes in with all her colleagues and they all wonder over what the hell this hard bump is on my head. After an ultrasound and some x-rays by multiple specialists, I have an answer of what it might be, but not why. It's inflamed bone. No, I still don't know what that is, other than a solid mass of bone. I have 2 options: get my head cut open and the bone shaved off and end up with a large scar, or hope it goes away. Rather than have an even more obvious mark on my face, I opted to hope for it to go away.

Another 6 months later it started to break up into smaller bumps and they slowly shifted and got smaller. You're thinking that maybe there was an alien or some sort of mutant bug in my head, aren't you?? I would have too, but I thought maybe the doctors could tell the difference between bone and mutant alien bug. One of the bumps started moving towards my eye socket and I was worried that it would float into my brain and KILL ME. My doctor said it "shouldn't" be a problem. I am still alive. After another few months it was finally mostly gone. I stopped getting questions on whether I got into a fight.

Then last weekend I was wrestling with my friend's dog. The little bugger pushed me over and stepped on my head. I have a hardcore scratch above my eye and above my eyebrow. They're pretty sweet. Guess what's back though... 2 little bumps of inflamed bone. Now I have to ask, "WHY GOD, WHY?!!"

UPDATE: I wrote this a few weeks ago and was thinking that the post was kind of boring. Now it's been awhile since I have posted anything so I decided to go back to this one. I now have 3 bumps but they're slightly reduced. One of my friends is in med school and I have made it his mission to find out what the hell happened to my head. I'm sure he's somewhat busy being in med school and all, but I will be knocking down his door the day he graduates.

I would also like to add that sober Alex managed to get a drunk Alex type bruise on the back of her leg. How did she do this? We don't know. In honor of that bruise, I'm going to show you a bruise I got in the summer. I woke up with it after a night of debauchery and nobody remembered how it could have happened. Enjoy. Try not to be jealous.
My entire thigh.
You're welcome. :)
Tootles friends!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Me, Strugglesaurus and Drunk Alex

There are so many times that I wish I was more artistic. Like last night, for instance. I was lying in bed and then BAM! This stupendous idea hits me. What if there was a cartoon about Strugglesaurus and Drunk Alex? I mean, if you put these two characters together, it's just cartoon genius! Strugglesaurus would be a t-rex (it's how I've always imagined her - awkward arms, massive tail that gets in the way) and DA would probably need one of those kids' leashes. Poor Strugglesaurus would always have to keep track of her and be tugging on the leash and sooner or later would bump her head on the wall after pulling the leash too hard. Then DA would wonder, yet again, where all the bruises came from. See?! Cartoon genius. Except... I have no artistic talent. Zero. It's all unfolding inside my head and I have nowhere to put it! Also, I'd probably run out of ideas after about 3 cartoons.

Can we just pause though for a minute? I curse my genetics for this one. My family plays Pictionary and I can say with confidence that we are all artistically challenged. However my brother and I kick ass every time. They should rename the game to Family Feud though... it's not like there's any sore losers in my family or anything, but nobody likes losing is all...Oh, right back to my story. If my parents were just more artistic then maybe I'd have a chance at this whole cartoon thing.

I would also be able to illustrate the kids' book I plan on writing some day. Which would make it even more awesome. A moment of silence please, for me being artistically challenged.

I thought for a minute about whether I should draw something up to prove how horrible I am at drawing. Then I figured that maybe I should keep one or two things to myself. That's how bad it is. Maybe DA will guest post some day and she can show you her drawing skills.

Hope y'all had a good holiday and New Years!

PS - It's 2011?! Wtf? I'm stuck in 2006.