Sunday, October 31, 2010

How to Get Sick

Ladies and gentlemen. There probably aren't any ladies or gentlemen reading this. If there are, then I just offended them and they just left.
Compadres, here's a way to get sick, and really make it count. As a kid, I was no stranger to hospitals or clinics. From ear infections to whooping cough to croup to more ear infections to a dislocated shoulder, over the years I got to know the Alberta Children's Hospital pretty well. And to looove that banana medicine they give you. So good, I hope that kids still get that shit for ear infections.
Needless to say, it's one thing to be plagued with a nasty ear infection, it's quite another to have to deal with other ailments at the same time.

Let's take this story to the next chapter. Many years ago I planned a trip to visit my family out west and as it turns out the blinding pain that I experienced the first few days made it somewhat of a haze.
It started on the plane. Swollen throat, plugged ears, and why did it hurt to pee? Maybe it was the cramps I was also feeling? I was traveling alone and had nobody to ask why I was experiencing these symptoms. The next day I was in so much pain that I couldn't stop pacing and I spent my visit with my cousin in the clinic. This is where the story gets fuzzy. I know that I had a 12 hour bus to catch that night, that was fun. There was a guy who wanted to talk about his girlfriend and how he visited her every weekend and how hard the 12 hour long distance relationship was but of course it was worth it because he totally loved her. Ya, fun. When my aunt picked me up from the bus stop I got a call from the clinic and a very nervous receptionist began to describe what I had and that I should probably go to the hospital NOW. Apparently if I waited too much longer I would succumb to a horrible fever. For real. When you let strep throat, an ear infection and a bladder infection fester, not only do you want to end your life, but it can also get worse. I can feel more pain? So my visit with my aunt was spent driving to the nearest hospital. True story: I walked in to the ER, told the doctor my list of ailments and he wrote me a prescription for penicillin. I guess I just looked like I was telling the truth and was probably on the verge of passing out. Which I did as soon as we got back to my aunt's house. And that was another visit wasted. My aunt was used to "things" happening surrounding my visits though so she wasn't surprised. I'll tell a couple of those stories later on.

Anyway, I can't really say for sure what the exact order everything happened in because I was so immersed in my own pain that everything became blurry. But it wasn't a dream and it did all happen at once. So my friends, if you're going to get sick, do it all at once and get it out of the way. And hopefully you're not allergic to penicillin.

This story is dedicated to my friend who is experiencing one of the aforementioned ailments. Also, wipe front to back. Just sayin.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Ear muffs! "Bad words" will be used

Do you remember when you first used a "bad word"? Well I don't remember the first time I swore, but I do remember the first time I got caught. Dad, this one's for you!

To start off, let me tell you about the first couple of times I swore. The first "bad word" was shit. Not such a bad word, right? Well how about using it in a public place... when you're a toddler..? And using it correctly? Oops! Now, I'm not a parent myself, but I can imagine the difficulty in biting your tongue when you drop something on your foot or forget your wallet on the roof of the car. I'm surprised my first word wasn't 'shit'! (No offense mom and dad, I just have an affinity towards the word.) So, enter cute family of 3 into family restaurant. It's one of the new parents' favourite restaurant. At 2 this little girl still wasn't much good at walking and incidentally tripped. "SHIT!" Heads turned, mouths dropped, and my parents probably went through every word they ever said in my presence. Sorry friends, but my parents still were not able to censor all of their curse words. Next stop: another restaurant. Next curse? JESUS CHRIST! This time nobody tripped. I just felt the need to yell "JESUS CHRIST!" repeatedly in yet another restaurant that my parents would be too embarrassed to take me back to.

Fast forward 10 years (ish) to elementary school. My dad helped out with our computer class and so was in the school quite a bit. When you're an adolescent you tend to (or at least I did) swear without necessary cause. So walking by a classroom during break I used the word "SHIT!" pretty loudly and then skidded to a stop as I saw my dad staring at me from the classroom. Oops? I probably swore again as I realized that I was caught. My dad still hasn't let me off the hook for that one. Aw, shit.

Shit's still my favourite word, seems appropriate, non?

Friday, October 22, 2010

I'm a model you know what I mean

Ok, I am NOT a model. But that's an excellent song. "I'm gonna do my little thing on the catwalk, oh the catwalk!" This little story starts with an awkward 12 year old girl who just wanted to learn how to sew. Luckily for her, there was a sewing class being run in her neighbourhood. She made all sorts of really cool (read: SO UGLY) things. Like a corduroy jumper, flannel nightie, and a velvet skirt. Why? It's ok, she still asks herself this, especially the velvet skirt, velvet is not beginner sewer friendly. She totally rocked that skirt at someone's birthday later that month, they were so jealous. Anyway, the last week her sewing teacher had a "great surprise" for the students. Oh yes, they were going to have a fashion show and model what they made. Fun, right? No. Not fun. The poor girl was so nervous and had zero desire to walk in front of people she didn't know, wearing the ugliest shit ever. She was still very very shy. Someone kind brought timbits for the unfortunate "models" and so the girl decided that since she hadn't eaten in a few hours, she should probably eat something. Right before she walked out in front of all those strangers she popped a whole one in her mouth. And choked. In front of everybody. And a photographer from the local paper caught it and it was put in the paper. YAY! So mortifying.. Good news people, this was before newspapers had online archives.
There is a happy ending though. The girl got over this horrific event and actually outgrew her shyness. She enjoys doing fashion shows for friends and fundraisers and hasn't fallen off any stages or walked out with her outfit on backwards or anything embarrassing like that. Miracle, right? Especially since she's a strugglesaurus offstage.
The inspiration behind this story is that I did a mini-fashion show tonight because a friend launched a dress line and needed some "models" to show off her line. It went off without a hitch! Everybody loved the line and nobody tripped or choked on food! Win!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Guest post!

I think you should check out what some of favourite items are right now on Etsy. Head over to Eat Live Shop for my guest post! And to see my friend Renee's fab blog!
Yay! I have a guest post on someone else's blog!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Post # 2!

How do you know if you're a strugglesaurus? I'm sure that I'll be inserting the random post here and there with a little "OOH! This is ALSO how you know you're a strugglesaurus!" But for now, here's a short list:
  1. You've tripped, sober, without an obstacle to trip on, numerous times. Sidewalk came up out of nowhere!
  2. You laugh the hardest at all of your jokes. Maybe even before the punchline. It's ok, they're funny jokes!
  3. You spent the entire day with your shirt buttoned up wrong, and checked yourself in the mirror a couple of times. You look good!
  4. You accidentally hit reply all, and because it was accidental, you probably shouldn't have. 
  5. You tooted, it was supposed to be quiet. It was not. And it can't be passed off as some other noise. 

#1 is my biggest offense. And since I have not been able to figure out how to walk, I have figured out how to recover somewhat gracefully. I will share these tips with you some time, I promise. Warning: You cannot recover with any grace if you face plant. And if you have an audience, you might even acquire the nickname "face plant". Sorry, just laugh it off. And no, the nickname probably won't go away... ever. Sigh.

Note: For the #5 offenders... It is advisable to try to avoid singing "beans, beans the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot". Only awkward laughter will ensue.

Much love.

Monday, October 18, 2010

What IS a "strugglesaurus"?

That would be me, my new found friends. Yes, I am what a strugglesaurus looks like. But before I get into what a strugglesaurus is comprised of, I'll tell you a bit more about me.

I've been in Toronto for a couple of years now, and I absolutely love it. I was hoping to leave my years of awkwardness behind me - something like ugly duckling turns into swan. Instead as it turns out I still need Mr. Henry Higgins à la My Fair Lady. Hopefully you'll see through my stories and musings a girl who can laugh at her mistakes, loves sarcasm, almost always uses perfect grammar, and always gets up and dusts herself off.

Now, the strugglesaurus. It is inside all of us. It dances with 2 left feet, when entering a room it trips, when telling a story it tells the punchline too early (or too late, or not the right punchline), and it always has a milk mustache. Yes, ladies and gentleman, this is the strugglesaurus, recognize it? Maybe see some of it inside of you? Je pense que oui. Unfortunately since I have a lot of strugglesaurus in me, this means that some of my posts aren't going to be as smooth as I would like. But I promise that I will try to make them as funny as possible!

Love to you all, enjoy.