Saturday, January 15, 2011

Donating My Body to Science

I've never been a huge fan of doctors. Mostly because whenever I've gone to see one, they haven't been able to figure out what's wrong.

Let's go back about 6 years ago to when I was having some serious stomach issues. I'd seen a few doctors and finally went to talk to a gastroenterologist. I had to get a barium test done. If any of you have had one of these, grimace with me. I had to drink a litre of "strawberry" flavoured chalky barium, then some other mixture to keep air bubbles from forming. This barium had to work its way through my body and light up all my organs, so I was chalk full (get it?? chock.. chalk..) of liquid in a sweet hospital gown for a few hours. In the basement of a hospital. It was cold. Did I mention I was in a hospital gown? And I had to pee. Then when I'm on the cold x-ray table and the technician is finding all my organs I realize that I'm partially exposed. I realize this only after the technician covers me up again. The guy is fiddling around with the thingy that x-rays me (lamens terms) and I ask if there's a problem. "Well, I can't find your lower bowel." Most people would be concerned, but I had hope. Finally, an answer to my stomach problems!! Turns out, the technician just sucked. I do have a lower bowel, it was just hiding. Damn. No answers.

Fast forward to 2 years later. Another physical anomaly.  This time I had hit my head against a wall pretty hard and ended up with a giant goose egg on my forehead. Six months later.... the bump was still there. And hard. Yes, I waited 6 months before going to the doctor. I'm lying there and having my head prodded by my doctor and then she excuses herself. Remember that scene in Friends where Chandler has a third nipple and all those doctors surround him and probe him? Yeah, my doctor comes in with all her colleagues and they all wonder over what the hell this hard bump is on my head. After an ultrasound and some x-rays by multiple specialists, I have an answer of what it might be, but not why. It's inflamed bone. No, I still don't know what that is, other than a solid mass of bone. I have 2 options: get my head cut open and the bone shaved off and end up with a large scar, or hope it goes away. Rather than have an even more obvious mark on my face, I opted to hope for it to go away.

Another 6 months later it started to break up into smaller bumps and they slowly shifted and got smaller. You're thinking that maybe there was an alien or some sort of mutant bug in my head, aren't you?? I would have too, but I thought maybe the doctors could tell the difference between bone and mutant alien bug. One of the bumps started moving towards my eye socket and I was worried that it would float into my brain and KILL ME. My doctor said it "shouldn't" be a problem. I am still alive. After another few months it was finally mostly gone. I stopped getting questions on whether I got into a fight.

Then last weekend I was wrestling with my friend's dog. The little bugger pushed me over and stepped on my head. I have a hardcore scratch above my eye and above my eyebrow. They're pretty sweet. Guess what's back though... 2 little bumps of inflamed bone. Now I have to ask, "WHY GOD, WHY?!!"

UPDATE: I wrote this a few weeks ago and was thinking that the post was kind of boring. Now it's been awhile since I have posted anything so I decided to go back to this one. I now have 3 bumps but they're slightly reduced. One of my friends is in med school and I have made it his mission to find out what the hell happened to my head. I'm sure he's somewhat busy being in med school and all, but I will be knocking down his door the day he graduates.

I would also like to add that sober Alex managed to get a drunk Alex type bruise on the back of her leg. How did she do this? We don't know. In honor of that bruise, I'm going to show you a bruise I got in the summer. I woke up with it after a night of debauchery and nobody remembered how it could have happened. Enjoy. Try not to be jealous.
My entire thigh.
You're welcome. :)
Tootles friends!


laurenne said...

why is it that drunk bruises are so common? WHERE do they come from? I don't really fall when I'm drunk. Right? I mean, i don't think I do.

Your bones are very artsy.

Johnny Utah said...

That is crazy. That bruise matched with the paleness of your leg looks like a jellyfish!

Nat said...

can we start a "i think doctors are useless club"? I went to the hospital with stomach pains so bad I couldn't move and it was making me throw up. After blood tests, ultra sounds, a morphine drip 8 hours last they told me there was nothing wrong. I was sent home with some pain medication and anti-inflammatories. I still don't understand how I could have been in so much pain and not had anything wrong with me!