Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Battle of Good vs. Evil

A.K.A. the battle of Sober Alex vs. Drunk Alex. It's been an ongoing battle and a few years ago I decided to name my arch nemesis (note: arch nemesis is always said in a deep throaty voice) - Drunk Alex. She is a different person than I am, and way more fun. She's also a troublemaker. And makes questionable decisions on my behalf. Everybody else loves this girl, but Sober Alex questions her judgment the morning after. Actually, my parents don't love her so much. They think she is reckless (she is.. a little), and a boozehound (yep), and stays up too late (ok.. ok..) and they do not appreciate it when Sober Alex is sick the entire next day. 
Here are some of Drunk Alex's traits:
  1. She loves everyone. You, you and you included. Hugs for everyone! Even people Sober Alex isn't a fan of. Even people that aren't fans of Sober (or Drunk) Alex. She loves them all equally. And maybe too much. She once screamed out her friend's name repeatedly because she saw that she was working at the restaurant she was walking by. It was a nice restaurant. Her friend still works there, although she hasn't seen that friend in awhile. Thanks Drunk Alex.
  2. She loves tequila, and even has a chant and dance for it. Sober Alex does like this chant and dance, as it is catchy.
  3. She climbs things. This one time she was playing volleyball and the ball went into the neighbour's yard. No problem, she just hopped up over the fence, onto the garage and retrieved the ball. Like a cat. Sober Alex thinks this may have been reckless but is also impressed by her catlikeness.
  4. She enjoys walking around in bare feet. Outside, inside, upstairs, downstairs. She has even been caught in the fall running home in her bare feet. Dumb girl. And outside any time of year? Talk about black feet. And glass. There is a time and a place for bare feet... like the beach.
  5. Food. Specifically - poutine. This is a trait both Alexes delight in and one that Sober Alex lets slide. Unless Drunk Alex leaves the leftover poutine beside the bed instead of in the garbage. Mmmm poutine.
  6. She is guilty of "drunk dialing". Mostly old friends, and if they're REALLY lucky they'll get a voice mail with a proclamation of her love. Texting or drunk dialing old flames is extremely cringe-worthy for Sober Alex. Luckily said old flames know about Drunk Alex's tendencies.
  7. She ends up with really random and sometimes scary bruises. Sober Alex has never managed to figure out how these bruises are incurred, however I'm sure that fence hopping doesn't help. 
  8. She wanders. This was more serious when she was younger, but she is still known to wander off. Who knows why, if you see her, ask her, and then let me know.

There are some other even less lady-like traits that Drunk Alex possesses, however I'm not quite ready to share them with the world. After all, we are the same person. I must preserve any dignity that I have left. Oh I don't have any left? Ah well, who needs it.........

I've been trying to keep Drunk Alex under lock and key over the past year/6 months. It's been working for the most part. But every now and then someone catches her coming out. At least they think she's fun. Maybe I should take some tips from her. Below is a picture from a few years ago. Drunk Alex caught in action: traits 1 and 8 are seen. Over friendliness and wandering off. 
Engaged in very interesting conversation about the CFL
I suppose that Drunk Alex could have worse traits. Like starting fights, promiscuity, spending Sober Alex's savings.. I hope Drunk Alex never sees this post and gets any ideas.. Don't make me go sober! Because I swear I will! Is this post bordering on multiple personality disorder? I'm starting to think that it is. 

Next post: Dealing with the realization of having multiple personality disorder...


andrea said...

Preaching to the choir, friend. I have an extreme love/hate relationship with Drunk Andrea, so I feel you all the way. :)

Also, I'm a new reader and can I just saw you are ridiculously badass? Love your blog. Let's be best friends. Excellent.

Pink Peacock Designs said...

Is it possible that your "drunk Alex" and my "drunk Brittany" are the same people?? lol

You should see the scary bruise on my arm from my 25th B-day party this past weekend... yikes!

Sober Brittany can't figure out what the hell happened, but I bet it was awesome!! :)

Peter said...

sooo fucking funny. damn lady. good post. The Wife is basically the same drunk faced mopnster as you are! I hope you're saving a little of this talent for the RPF page. we're launching in January! I have a swanky contributor button for you and everything!

Johnny Utah said...

Here's a good drunk joke. A man's wife has been giving him grief for drinking too much, and one day he tells her he is going to happy hour with some buddies after work. She tells him that he better stay out of trouble.

He goes out with his friends and one drink leads to two, and before you know it, he's hammered. He's so hammered he pisses his pants. Worried that his wife will yell at him, he puts $10 in his pocket planning to lie to his wife under the guise that a man bumped into him and gave him the money to pay the dry cleaning bill.

When he got home, his wife yelled at him for his sopping wet pee pants but he explained his lie. As he undressed, she found a 2nd $10 bill and said, "What's this for?"

He said, "I shit in my pants, too."

lex [lexinthecity] said...

@ andrea - so glad you like it over here! i could always use more best friends! :)

@ Brittany - it's completely possible that our drunk alter egos are the same person. they have that ability.

@ Peter - YAYY! I get a button!!

@ Johnny Utah - hahahahahah awesome.