Monday, April 11, 2011

What Really Grinds MY Gears

I go through different phases of "hate-ons". If I were you, I wouldn't want to be hated-on by me. My family can attest to that.

The past couple of months there have been a couple of things that have developed into full pet peeves. I loathe thee. Steam comes out of my ears. My eyes bulge. Veins pop. And if I could, I would Hulk smash. (Oh man, I really wish I could Hulk smash..)

1. Dog shit. Hey guess what? DOGS SHIT. Every day. Shocker, I know. It's too bad there wasn't some way of picking up after your dog. Sorry, hold on a second, I'm getting some news from headquarters. You can use BAGS? No fucking way. This, folks, is a game changer.

Except it isn't. Not only will any old bag do, but they even have dog shit bags. And special dog shit bag holders to attach to your leash. So that you don't forget them when you take your dog out. What, you don't like picking up shit? Then why did you get a dog? It's like buying a plant and not watering it. Or having kids but not taking them out for walks.

I have walked by pile after pile of shit every single day. And when the snow melted I saw even more. Did ya think that the snow would hide it douchebags?

Here is what I hope. I hope that you step in it. I hope that you step in a dog's shit, and not only that, that the dog is bigger than yours. Maybe you'll be wearing white sneakers or new heels. I hope it ruins them. You, asshole, are an asshole.

2. Taxis that honk at you. I'm talking about as a pedestrian. Unless I know you, you have no reason to honk at me. Or maybe if I'm about to walk into traffic, then you can honk at me. But otherwise? You get grouped with all the other scumbags who honk at passersby. There's nothing more irksome than walking down the street and having some slime ball honk at you and cat call.

Sooo why are you taxi drivers honking at me? Oh, you think I didn't notice you? Maybe I need a cab? If I needed a cab, you would know. In case you're new to this, someone who would like a cab will do the following: raise arm, either all the way up in the air, or out at about a 45 degree angle; make eye contact with cab; whistle if one is so talented as to be able to loudly do so.

So, next time you honk at me, don't be shocked if you see a bird. (No, not THAT bird you perverts, the one that you flip!)

3. Actually, that's all I have for now. These 2 things really piss me off. So if you partake in either. Watch yo back. And your step.

Otherwise, carry on. I probably like you. And if you see someone leave their dog shit behind. Yell at them. Fling dog poo like the monkeys do.

Yes this post is full of broken sentences. Deal. With. It.


You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

wait-'re supposed to WALK your kids...? eff.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Did you ever get distracted by a cab honking at you and thereby you didn't see the dog shit that you just stepped in? Sounds like the right time for oncoming pedestrians to cross the street to pass you on the other side.

lex [lexinthecity] said...

@ You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun - 1. Can I call you Tilte? and 2. Have you not seen those kiddie leashes??

@ Wow, that was awkward - No, but I'm surprised this hasn't happened to me.

PorkStar said...

Yeah walk out the kids and give them some artificial light and some water so they grow.

That's how it works, right?

As far as the dog shit, i agree with you. The cabs or other drivers honking and cat calling, just turn to them and smile, then yell at them that you have herpes or some shit cooking in there. That will turn them off.

Britt said...

LMAO!! You my dear, are my hero today!

Katsidhe said...

You are so adorable when you rant, Lexy love.~

I have a dog and I ALWAYS pick up her shit, so I take great exception when someone else doesn't. Fucktards.

Renee ( said...

This is awesome! I totally was thinking of doing a pet peeve post next week! I need to vent about all the asshole people in this city.

lex [lexinthecity] said...

@ Porkstar - this will only dissuade the current driver, not future ones.
@ Britt - I think that's the first time anybody has ever thought of me as the hero type. Woo!
@ Kat - You have a dog? I always thought you were a cat person ;)
@ Renee - DO IT! dooo itt.

cbeck said...

During my own regular dog walks, I once saw a guy walking down the street with a dog in tow behind him. The poor fella was 'squadalling' (walking and squatting). I mentioned this to the fella thinking he might at least consider moving to some grass. The guy just looked down at the dog, then back to me and said, "he shoulda held it."

His official sign: "Though I might be an idiot, there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot."