Friday, September 2, 2011

Best Places to Hide...

I was going to title this post "Best Places to Hide if You're a Rapist"... but I just don't have time to be questioned by the police right now. But yes, let us all assume that if you are a rapist, these would be excellent places to hide. You should leave your scorn at the door for this one.

Oh, so this idea came to me not while planning an attack, but while talking about how much I love to hide. Always have. I am the most patient person in the world if I am anticipating a good scare on my prey.

So here are my top 12 (because I had more than 10) places to hide:

1. In an alley way. Preferably one with dark corners and random cut-outs.

2. Behind a tree. However, if it is at night, you need to make sure that your shadow isn't showing, it totally gives you away.

3. The back seat. Crack a window.

4. Behind a door. This is one of my favourites. If you are anticipating someone coming through a door, hide behind it, then when they open and close it, BAM there you are right on the other side.

5. Basements. This requires the utmost patience. But is well worth the wait.

6. Laundry baskets. This only works if you are under 10 and can fit in one.

7. In the shower. Unless they are about to poop.

8. In a clothes rack in a large store. Preferably one that has long garments hanging to hide your feet.

9. Under the bed. Unless you had a low bed, because even if you do fit under it just snugly, when someone lies down on it, the joke is on you. Especially if you suffocate and die.

10. In a cupboard or closet. Make sure there is nothing potentially toxic spilling onto any body parts if you are hiding under the kitchen sink.

11. Outside a window. This one is best pulled off with a build up of rapping lightly on the window and hiding. And then just appearing.

12. If you have perfected the stalker walk (walking quietly at the exact same pace as your prey), then just sneaking up behind them is often a marvelous little kick.

I think I will stop there before I sound too creepy. Too late?

Well, let me leave you with this advice. Do not hide anywhere too high, like in a tree, where you could fall and seriously injure yourself. Know your prey. Do they punch when frightened? Prepare to duck. Do they carry pepper spray? Wear a mask. I mean, just avoid them all together. Do they have a heart condition? Know where your nearest defibrillator is.

And when times are tough, just picture their reactions and faces when you scared them. It always cheers me up. Am I messed up a little in the head? Dark and twisted? Slightly. But do I giggle like a child when I have executed the perfect hide-and-scream? Yes. And there is nothing like a child's laughter. Ok, so my giggle sounds more like a cackle, and it's more like an evil hag than a child. But there's nothing like that either.

Perfect tree to hide behind


Anonymous said...

I had never planned how to sneak up on somebody I was planning on raping...mostly because I haven't planned any attacks on random men lately...this was great advice if I ever decide to get REALLY desperate.

I would like to further add hiding in the shower should only be done if they have a curtain...the glass doors do not hide you well! hehe.

You are too much. Loved this.

Britt said...

Oh my god you're alive!!! Where the F have you been!!! LOL

I suck at hiding... I always, ALWAYS, have to pee... I lose!

Random Girl said...

Only you Lex, only you! I HATE to be it's my least favorite emotion. Someone jumps out at me, I scream and freeze, totally annoying and ineffective yet I have been unable to master any other reaction. I will be super paranoid to all the scenarios above now, thanks.