Monday, February 14, 2011

I made you some edible panties

First off, the word "panties" makes me uncomfortable. I managed a lingerie store for a year and even that didn't make me feel comfortable using the word. I prefer underwear, underroos, tighty whiteys, anything but panties.

Now, onto the good stuff: Valentine's Day. We all know it's a scam, but I'm pretty sure it's not going anywhere. Just like those princes in Namibia with my inheritance. Yes, V-day is retarded. But maybe it's because it's our own fault. I'm single, so I don't have the problem of being disappointed on V-day. But quietly expecting for fireworks and romance from your significant other is going to disappoint you. Seriously. Nobody's a mind reader (except for magicians) and you should have figured that out over Christmas (or Hannukah or whatever) when you got something from the Body Shop.

And if Valentine's Day was successful with more couples, I'd have more friends with late November birthdays.

I'm not saying I've had great V-days. My first Valentine's in a relationship, I came face to face with homemade edible panties. I'm all about DIYs.. but umm.. edible panties? I was 16, my first relationship and in love, and freaking out over these sticky candy "panties" made of fruit roll ups and licorice and other assorted goodies. Would I pretty please wear them? Hells no. Candy is for eating and no detours on the way to my belly. Now I see that it was super sweet and creative, but at 16, I did not appreciate them. I hope he still does DIYs for his girlfriends, just maybe not edible undies.

My last Valentine's in a relationship started off ok. The boyfriend made dinner, but I was extremely sick and left halfway through to go to the clinic. He didn't come with me, instead I later found out that he messaged a girl (stupid dirty fucking bitch) to complain about how I didn't appreciate his dinner. :)

I don't hate Valentine's Day, probably because I don't hate being single and I love the candy. And because February 15th means SALE CANDY! And more specifically, SALE CINNAMON HEARTS!! I literally eat them by the pound. I will be at Shoppers bright and early to get my hands on some of that sale candy.

Get in my belly

As an aside, I need to tell you all a joke that my brother said over dinner last time I was home. Here's how it all went down:

Me: Why is there an extra 'r' in February? And why isn't there also an extra 'r' in January? It should be Janruary.
Brother: It's Febrrrrrrruary because it's cold. Brrrr

That was my most favourite lame joke ever told. He normally has good one liners, which made the groaner that much better. Had to be there. Had to be there.


laurenne said...

I HATE the word panties too. I think that's the reason I don't wear any. I just can't get up the nerve to even have them in my presence because of their ugly name.

Also, I'm glad somebody likes the cinnamon hearts. Yucks!

Happy Almost Sale Candy Day!

Johnny Utah said...

This one doesn't bother me but I've heard quite a few women say they hate it: moist, moist, moist, moist!

My mom called my underwear panties for along time. it took me a while to beat that one.

Ley said...

"Panties" is an ok word when speaking to a preschooler about the importance of keeping them covered by your clothing.

But if my boyfriend ever said "I love your sexy panties", I'd promptly roll over and refuse to put out.

Also: I seriously heart cinnamon hearts. I OD on them every year, and I could never get sick of them. I also love hot lips and (extra) hot tamales.

lex [lexinthecity] said...

@ laurenne - send me your cinnamon hearts!
@ Johnny - at first I thought you said that your mom called you 'underwear panties'.. and was deeply disturbed. That is your new nickname.
@ Ley - I have already ODed on them. I had heartburn all last night! And still ate them all day today.
Panties is ok to say when in this context: "don't get your panties in a bunch"
Can I also add that whoever came up with "Hot and Crusty" ensured that I would never set foot in their establishment? Sounds like my VD symptoms.

Renee ( said...


That is all.

Oh and...

Happy Valentine's Day!

jerrod said...

You had me at uncomfortable.

I think we will be good friends.

Awesome writing!!

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