Saturday, February 19, 2011

Man vs. Minion

All I want in life is a minion.

Seriously. If you know me, you've heard me talk about them before. If I've ever had staff working for me, I have been known to call them minions "accidentally" once or twice. Oh, to have a minion would complete my life.

Don't judge. You like doing the dishes? You get daily back rubs? Your laundry puts itself away? Didn't think so.

I could get a man I suppose. But men are unreliable and there's a likelihood that he would put "lay flat to dry" clothes in the dryer. I don't need that.

Let me introduce you to Shmork. Shmork has my breakfast ready in the morning. He has a coffee waiting by my bedside and helps me get my ass out of bed. Since he's done my laundry, and knows what the weather is going to be like, he knows exactly what type of outfit I should wear each day. If I'm at work and need a coffee or snack, he is more than happy to drop a little something off for me. When I get home, I open the door to the smell of a delicious dinner. He knows all my mom's recipes. I never have to worry about not having booze in the house because Shmork knows how much I love my wine/beer/martini/cocktail.

Shmork does more than just help out around the house too. He helps make me a better person. He gets me involved in dance classes, and he even learned how to knit so that he could teach me how! Amazing, right? If I ever am in the mood for some hubba hubba, Shmork goes out and finds a man, bops him over the head and brings him to me.

Now, while all of you suckers are trying to find "the one", or fuming over your spouse leaving their clothing on every chair in the house, I will have my Shmork.

Shmork will never leave me.
Shmork will never cheat on me with another human. (He likes cats though so I can't have a cat...)
Shmork won't pretend he's listening to me while I ask him something, then look up at me with glazed eyes.
Shmork will not lie to me.
Shmork will never stand me up.
Shmork will never clog the toilet.
Shmork will never call me to bail him out of jail.
In short, Shmork will never let me down.

Shmork, made on Despicable Me's Minion Maker
What's that you say? The likelihood of me finding a minion, let alone one named Shmork, is highly unlikely? Perhaps my best option is to name my first born Shmork, or just Minion.


Ley said...

Is there a waiting list for Shmork's? I want one! Although MY Shmork would also need to be excellent with kids, wouldn't THAT save me the drama of finding my girl a step-daddy...or dealing with the negative sides of a relationship.

You, my dear, are brilliant. Although a note: children aren't effective minions until they are tall enough to reach the sink and/or cupboards and/or laundry machines. Unless you find a tall enough step-stool....

jerrod said...

What if I don't even do the laundry at all? That fixes the 'lay flat to dry' issue, right?


Johnny Utah said...

This is sounding very spinster-ish. Better watch it...

lex [lexinthecity] said...

Ley - you can make your own Shmork! Also, aren't there sites out there were you can get kids that are already big enough to be effective minions?
Jerrod - then you would be the male equivalent to me. We couldn't have that. Dirty laundry would take over our lives.
Johnny - I'm ok with that! Spinsters get to be cranky and crass.

Renee ( said...

Can we share Shmork? Or perhaps he has a twin you can send my way. Please let me know asap because I need him now.